Looking excited, my married friend Annie told me something in confidence. There was a man she had met at work. They were spending hours in conversation each day—over coffee, via e-mail, through text messages. He listened to her with full attention, she said, and made her feel excited just to be alive. She had told him things about herself that no one else knew.

But they hadn’t had sex, Annie was quick to add. “I’d never cheat on my husband,” she declared.

Annie was wrong about that. She was cheating on her husband—because she was having an emotional affair with this other man. That can be as much of a betrayal as falling into bed with someone other than your spouse, and it can do devastating damage to a marriage.

Are you at risk for an emotional affair? Is your partner? Here’s how to tell…and what to do about it.

SEXLESS AFFAIR

How can it be an affair if there’s no sex involved? I brought this up with psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, and he immediately focused on one powerful concept—emotional intimacy. Dr. Haltzman said, “When you’re married, each partner pledges fidelity not only in terms of sexual behavior, but also in terms of emotional connection. There is a certain shared inner world that’s reserved solely for partners who are committed to each other. That degree of sharing should not extend to anyone outside the relationship, except maybe to a therapist. When somebody else has access to the innermost part of your life, you are essentially stealing it from your partner to give it to that person.”

We’re not talking about having a platonic friendship with someone of the sex that you are attracted to—truly platonic friendships are fine. The problem arises when a person bares his or her soul to someone outside the marriage and when those intimate details are shared in a manner that is surreptitious, sneaky and exciting in a romantic or sexually arousing kind of way. As this kind of emotional intimacy between such friends deepens, the emotional intimacy between spouses is bound to suffer.

And of course, there’s always the risk that an emotional affair will lead to a physical affair, Dr. Haltzman said—and that can destroy your marriage.

AVOIDING THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

How do you keep a friendship from turning into an emotional affair? Dr. Haltzman’s advice…

  • Make your friend a friend to the whole family—invite him/her over for dinner, for instance, so there’s no mystery or secrecy. “This way you’re letting your friend know that you and your spouse are connected,” Dr. Haltzman said.
  • Keep your activities on the up-and-up. It’s perfectly all right to do things with your friend, such as going for a run. But avoid potentially romantic situations—hot tubs, slow dancing, candlelit restaurants—and don’t drink alone together, since alcohol can lower your inhibitions. Also, to halt gossip before it starts, it’s helpful to be straightforward with your other friends—“Chris and I often attend the ballet together because we both enjoy it and our spouses do not. Everyone is fine with this.”
  • If your partner gets jealous when you talk openly about your friend, honestly consider whether your words or actions justify that jealousy. Sometimes a spouse can accurately spot flirtation or inappropriate attention where you see only friendliness.
  • Listen to your inner voice. If you catch yourself thinking, I’m starting to feel attracted to this person or Things are getting a little intense here, stop spending time with the person, Dr. Haltzman advised.

AFFAIR-PROOFING YOUR MARRIAGE

The best way to avoid an emotional affair (or a sexual one) is to make your marriage as strong as possible. What helps…

  • Spend more time having fun. Some relationship experts suggest that married couples spend 15 fun hours a week together—dining, dancing, having sex or doing whatever else you each enjoy. Given how hard it can be to find just 15 minutes for fun, finding 15 hours may seem impossible—until you consider that 15 hours per week is the average amount of time that clandestine lovers spend together!
  • Talk with your spouse about your dreams for the future. What kind of vacations would you like to take? Where would you like to be five years from now? How do you envision retirement? Making such plans together—and making plans to be together—mentally reinforces the fact that you are a team and will be together forever, Dr. Haltzman said.
  • Listen to your partner. Many people enter into emotional affairs because they find someone who really hears what they are saying. Try to give your partner your undivided attention for at least a half-hour each day, Dr. Haltzman advised.
  • Focus on the positives. Research suggests that, to guard against divorce, you need at least a five-to-one ratio of positive-versus-negative interactions in your relationship. Keep a tally for a few days. How many of your remarks and gestures toward your partner are positive…and how many are negative? Be sure that the good ones significantly outweigh the bad ones—even if your words and actions feel forced at first, and even if your partner doesn’t reciprocate right away. Over time, you will see more and more to appreciate in your spouse…and your kindness will beget kindness in return. When that happens, you will be much less likely to have any interest in an affair, emotional or otherwise—and so will your spouse.

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