Forgiveness can be hard to find — even for those with the power to give it, and even if you really, really want to. You may recognize that letting go of anger about being mistreated is beneficial to both of you… and that the person who did the mistreating can be sorry as all get out… but even so, it sometimes feels nearly impossible to put the events behind you. What to do? You’ll be surprised to learn that the solution is prayer — but stay with me even if you are not religious, because this interesting finding can be adapted to any and every belief system, so long as you really want to forgive.
In a study done at Florida State University, researchers recruited 52 volunteers, each of whom said that he/she wanted to forgive a transgression by a romantic partner. Half the people in the group were asked to verbally describe their partner as though they were talking to a parent — this was the control group. The other participants were assigned a single session of praying for the partner’s well-being, which they did in a private setting. Other than suggesting that the prayers be directed to a “higher power,” researchers kept these instructions deliberately vague, since participants came from a variety of religious backgrounds. After the session, those who had prayed experienced a greater willingness to forgive than the ones who had simply described their partners.
The second part of the study was designed to test whether it was specifically directed prayer that made the difference — or would a general undirected prayer (such as the “Our Father” or, for Jews, the “Sh’ma”) or positive thoughts about the partner work just as well for facilitating forgiveness? For that, a group of 68 volunteers completed one of the following activities daily for four weeks: Roughly one-third of the group prayed specifically for the well-being of a friend who had committed a transgression against the person praying… another third spent the time on general prayer according to their particular beliefs… the final third simply thought positively about the transgressing friend.
Once again, those who prayed for the individual were more willing to forgive the person who had done them wrong — more so than those who prayed generally or who just thought positively about their friends.
Study author Nathanial Lambert, a PhD candidate in family and child sciences at Florida State University, told me that what appeared to be most significant, based on answers to a questionnaire handed out afterward, was that the act of praying provided a focus. “Prayer seems to be an avenue and mechanism that allows a person to focus intent on a specific desire or need — which in this case was forgiveness,” Lambert said. “By eliminating distractions and intentionally invoking the help of a higher power, praying gets people to focus.”
This is a potentially powerful finding. There’s a saying that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, since holding onto anger sours your own life and outlook… but it sometimes seems almost impossible to accomplish. This may be a way to get there.
