Barbara Bartlik, MD
Barbara Bartlik, MD, a psychiatrist and sex therapist in private practice and voluntary attending psychiatrist at Montefiore Medical Center, Bronx, New York.
I’m single again and ready to start dating. What’s the best way to tell a potential sex partner about the mastectomy I had years ago?
Mentioning a mastectomy to someone you have begun to date is more about getting the timing right than finding the right words. Discussing your surgery means revealing your cancer history, which is a heavy thing to lay on someone right away. It’s best not to bring it up too early—say, before you’ve even touched or kissed. You want to give him time to become really interested in you... and you want to give yourself time to discern whether you feel safe enough with him to disclose intimate information. Waiting until you have formed an emotional bond will make it easier for you to express yourself and easier for him to respond appropriately. Yet, you do not want to hold off too long, either. If you wait until you’re climbing into bed together for the first time to say I have one breast (or none), the revelation could put a damper on the trust the two of you are developing. Exception: If you have had reconstruction and your breast looks and feels natural, you don’t necessarily need to tell him about your surgery before you start to become more physically intimate. Breast cancer isn’t a sexually transmitted disease, so your silence poses no risk to your partner (as it could if you concealed having genital herpes, for instance). You can tell him in your own time, whenever you feel comfortable. Keep in mind: Sharing personal information works both ways. There may be aspects of his own health history that he finds hard to discuss, or he may have other baggage such as a difficult ex-wife or dependent children. When he starts divulging intimate details about himself, if you’re interested, that’s generally a good time for you open up, too.
Q: I’m single again and ready to start dating. What’s the best way to tell a potential sex partner about the mastectomy I had years ago?
A: Mentioning a mastectomy to someone you have begun to date is more about getting the timing right than finding the right words. Discussing your surgery means revealing your cancer history, which is a heavy thing to lay on someone right away. It’s best not to bring it up too early—say, before you’ve even touched or kissed. You want to give him time to become really interested in you… and you want to give yourself time to discern whether you feel safe enough with him to disclose intimate information. Waiting until you have formed an emotional bond will make it easier for you to express yourself and easier for him to respond appropriately.
Yet, you do not want to hold off too long, either. If you wait until you’re climbing into bed together for the first time to say I have one breast (or none), the revelation could put a damper on the trust the two of you are developing. Exception: If you have had reconstruction and your breast looks and feels natural, you don’t necessarily need to tell him about your surgery before you start to become more physically intimate. Breast cancer isn’t a sexually transmitted disease, so your silence poses no risk to your partner (as it could if you concealed having genital herpes, for instance). You can tell him in your own time, whenever you feel comfortable.
Keep in mind: Sharing personal information works both ways. There may be aspects of his own health history that he finds hard to discuss, or he may have other baggage such as a difficult ex-wife or dependent children. When he starts divulging intimate details about himself, if you’re interested, that’s generally a good time for you open up, too.