When a friend has cancer, the last thing you want to do is say something that will upset him or her.
Among the well-intentioned comments that cancer patients could find off-putting or annoying…
“You’re going to be fine.” This could be taken as patronizing or dismissive of a very serious situation.
“You’re strong, so you’re going to beat this.” This implies that people who die from cancer are weak. It also exhibits a crucial misunderstanding about cancer—surviving cancer is not about the strength of the patient, it’s about the type of cancer…how advanced that cancer is when it’s detected…and the effectiveness of treatments.
“Have you tried praying/the latest alternative treatment/organic foods/quitting smoking?” Cancer patients’ doctors know a lot more about which treatments are appropriate and effective than you do, and cancer patients can investigate alternative treatments on their own if they wish to. This is certainly not the time for lectures about organic foods or cigarettes…or for proselytizing about your religion—your friend no doubt knows that you are religious and can come to you if he or she wishes to learn more.
“How are you feeling?” Asking a cancer patient this only forces him to think about how bad he feels much of the time.
So what should you say to a friend? Whatever you would have said if your friend didn’t have cancer. Cancer patients live with their disease every hour of every day. The best thing you can do is shift your friend’s focus to a happier topic for a while. You could reminisce about a fun day you two enjoyed years ago…share news about a mutual friend…or recommend a TV show or movie that you liked—many cancer patients spend hours staring at TV screens when they don’t feel well enough to do anything else, so a good Netflix recommendation might be well-received.
And if the conversation does turn to cancer, there is one foolproof way to avoid saying the wrong thing—stop talking and just listen to what your friend has to say.
