Life Coach Lauren Zander on Taking Control of Fear

Fear is running rampant these days. What with wars, the economy, the health care system, Ponzi schemes, strange new types of flu, there is hardly room for more in the worry drawer, yet somehow we always manage to make way. When life gets scary, it’s tempting to stay in bed and pull the covers over your head but sadly that’s not realistic. Rather, to truly live your life, it’s critical to take a careful look at your fears and figure out how to move past them.

FEAR ON A GRAND SCALE

In some ways, many current fears about the world, even those that concern terrible events and suffering, actually — and gratefully — have little direct impact on us personally, notes life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander. This year alone, newscasts were abuzz about Bernard Madoff and the billions he stole, while a few months later all we heard about was H1N1 or swine flu. Though almost none of us lost money with Madoff or fell seriously ill with flu, the constant media attention to both impacted everyone as in, “What is this world coming to!” Lauren points out that this is the news media doing its job, which is delivering all the juicy details of big stories, thereby ramping up their entertainment value. “Not to minimize the tragedy, but news about an awful murder or a plane crash is on a par with hearing about Madonna’s latest adventures,” notes Lauren, “and most of us are sensationalism junkies.” The thing is, while these news stories evoke tragic, or sad, or infuriating, or any of a number of other negative emotions, having them generate fear will do nothing for the victims or for you. It’s wasted energy.

Though it’s common to complain about information overload, Lauren says she is personally delighted to live in a news-connected world. “We are all having a life together… what happens in Timbuktu happens to all of us… someone breaks a world record and we all feel proud. There is a unification of humanity going on and it is a beautiful thing.” But there is a downside to being connected as well — the fear that whispers, “What if that terrible thing happens to me?” To keep fear at bay, you must establish mental boundaries; remind yourself regularly — speaking out loud if it helps — that most of these difficult outside events have little to do with your own life. People may try to dissuade you from this position, pointing to all this “evidence” that it is right and smart to be fearful, especially about matters relating to health and the economy. Lauren takes issue with that, too. “Fear rarely advises you well,” she says. Interestingly, she adds that she believes the law of attraction is relevant here. We attract what we think about and are focused on what we fear — needless to say, there are much better things to attract into your life than that which frightens you!

WHEN THE FEAR IS YOUR OWN

It’s relatively easy to separate yourself from scary stuff in the world, but personal fears can inhabit — and inhibit — many areas of life. “Fear is a force that can dominate our thinking, our style and our actions,” says Lauren. And, interestingly, you may have fears you aren’t even aware of. It’s easy to recognize your fear of flying, or bugs, or driving on highways. But there are also silent fears that shape your actions in ways you don’t even recognize. If you wonder where some of these fears reside, consider when you use the word “but” — it hangs out regularly with fear as in “…but I can’t… but what if… but it won’t turn out… but it’s not going to work,” even, “…but that scares me.” Lauren says these are areas to examine.

Be warned: We often disguise fear as “intelligent wisdom.” For example, some people refuse to do certain things, such as walk in a city park, because it “isn’t safe.” These people would argue they aren’t being fearful, merely careful and smart, but Lauren calls that nonsense. Disguised fears are often as irrational as any other and in the end, the real impact is that fear interferes with living.

DEAR FEAR…

All fears require a decision — whether it is to take some kind of action or make a decision for non-action. It might be as simple as not adding on to your home because you fear for the future of your company… on the plus side of that might be fear of losing your job, which prompts you to arrive earlier, work later and generally improve your performance. “Some fears are to be respected, but you need to filter out which ones make sense and those that don’t because all fear affects the quality of your life,” says Lauren.

A good way to understand how fear affects you is to write a letter to fear. Lauren advises many clients to write letters to problematic areas in their lives, because by writing about something we grow to understand our relationship to it. In your letter, evaluate how fear has impacted you over the years, recounting the times you let it stop you from doing something as well as the times you overcame a fear. Relive and describe the feelings of joy and triumph that followed. Now bring the letter into the present — list all the things you fear, from rejection and spiders to getting mugged, losing your job, your home, and, yes, death. Completing this letter will put you in a position to establish a new relationship with fear based on conscious decisions about what you want for yourself. You’ll likely realize that some fears are smart and should be respected… some will look so silly on paper they’ll lose their power… and some need to be faced, head on.

However, developing the ability to conquer fear requires practice, just like playing an instrument. Here is how you can do that. With your list of fears in hand, choose two or three to confront and conquer first. If traveling to unknown places makes you tremble, book passage to someplace you’ve always dreamed about visiting. Always been afraid of the water? Sign up for swim lessons. Lauren says that this is a great exercise for couples to do together as well, based on a list you make jointly. Maybe the two of you have shrunk from making new friends… extend an invitation to some folks you’d like to know better and start cooking. As you overcome your fears you will get to the other side of them and that is a place of pride and happiness. “It is so liberating to see you can face your fears and know you will be fine. And it makes life much more fun,” says Lauren.

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