Dan Taylor
The late Dan Taylor, an attorney who specialized in elder-care issues. He is author of The Parent Care Conversation.
As a financial adviser, I have managed hundreds of millions of dollars for clients. But my own father, a retired railroad foreman, never discussed his finances with me. He didn’t want to burden me—and I never pressed the issue.
Then my 74-year-old dad was found by the police wandering the streets at 4:30 in the morning, confused. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, went directly into a care facility and never returned to his old life.
I had to make wrenching choices about his living situation, his money and his possessions for which I was totally unprepared—because he and I had never spoken about such things.
Based on my personal and professional experience, here are the most common roadblocks put up by parents and other elderly loved ones when you try to discuss their futures—and the strategies to deal with them…
Roadblock: Your parents refuse to discuss the details of their financial lives. If you press them, they say, “Don’t worry about us. We’re fine.”
Your immediate goal: To know whether they really are financially safe and secure.
What to do…
You even might offer to pay for their visit to the planner. Don’t attach conditions, such as requiring them to see a planner of your choosing or letting you sit in on the session.
Roadblock: Your parents complain about, or don’t seem to be keeping up with, the clutter in their home. But they refuse to pare down their possessions or even talk about how they would want their possessions dealt with in a crisis.
Your immediate goal: Make life more manageable for them—and for you—as they age.
After my father was hospitalized for Alzheimer’s, it took me the equivalent of two full workweeks to deal with his property. Example: He had hundreds of high-quality tools. I had no idea which ones he wanted to sell or give to family members or friends.
What to do…
Your response: “Mom and Dad, why don’t you tell me what crosses your mind when you think about what to do with all your stuff in the future?” To start the winnowing-down process, say, “If you had to move next month, what would you keep with you forever? What would you put in storage? What would you give away or sell?”
“We’ll have a big tag sale one of these days.” Your response: “Sorting through a lifetime of possessions, including cherished keepsakes, is going to take a lot of energy and emotion. You’ll need plenty of time to do it right.”
“If the time comes to move, we’ll have the Salvation Army take what we don’t want.” Your response: “Charities no longer act as haul-away services. They’ve become very picky about what they will transport from your home.”
Rule of thumb: It’s natural that your parents will want to keep everything. However, I’ve found that elders who are downsizing decades of clutter generally need to get rid of one-half to two-thirds of their possessions to make a serious difference in the quality of their lives.
Roadblock: Your parents insist that they plan to remain in their home forever. You know that this may take some real planning—if it’s possible at all.
Your immediate goal: To make sure that they can handle the responsibility of staying in place as they age and that their living environment is safe.
What to do…
Helpful: Your local Area Agency on Aging. This organization helps older adults remain in their homes, aided by services if necessary. Contact: National Association of Area Agencies on Aging, 202-872-0888, N4A.org.
Roadblock: Parents usually can be convinced to write a will, but getting them to update their estate plan as the years go by is surprisingly difficult. They say, “Our attorney is taking care of it,” or “Why are you so eager to make sure our will is up-to-date?”
Your immediate goal: Making sure their estate plan is current, especially if there is a major tax-law change or a death or change in marital status of a family member. My long experience with estate attorneys is that they tend to be short on follow-up unless the client initiates contact.
What to do…
Important: If your parents are threatened or offended by your interest in their will and other estate documents, say, “I’m sorry that you’ve interpreted what I said as eagerness to get your money. My eagerness is to make sure that your affairs are the way you want them, regardless of the money.”
Helpful: The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys offers the latest news on legal issues affecting the elderly and can assist in finding an elder-law attorney in your area. 703-942-5711, NAELA.org.