Money troubles often lead to relationship troubles. Couples coping with investment losses, unemployment and/or debt may turn on each other out of frustration and stress… or they might turn away from each other, internalizing their problems and drifting apart.
As bleak as life can seem when your finances are a mess and you’re at odds with your spouse, there is some good news. If the strains on your relationship are largely the result of financial stresses — not deeper unresolved issues — you and your partner likely can make major strides toward repairing the relationship in just one week… and have fun doing so.
Wondering how one week can really make a difference? You start by attacking the problems, not each other. The turnaround is quick because the love that existed before your money problems almost certainly still is there. The focus of the relationship has simply shifted away from your love for each other and onto your finances. Your task is to shift it back.
Doing so could be the first step to overcoming your financial problems. When we’re upbeat and working as a team, our minds have an easier time finding solutions to our problems.
Here’s how to mend your marriage in one week and tackle your money problems in the process…
The biggest mistakes couples make is not discussing the financial strains and putting their love life on hold while hoping things will change.
When money is a source of stress in a relationship, money-related conversations between partners tend to degenerate into bickering and finger-pointing. Dial down the relationship stress before trying to talk money. Begin by reaffirming your love for your partner and expressing a desire to work together to solve the problems. To do this without accidentally setting off another argument…
You and your partner probably fell in love because you enjoyed spending time together. Tonight set aside your problems and remind yourselves that that hasn’t changed. If spending time with your partner no longer seems enjoyable, that’s likely because you spend too much time together discussing life stresses, such as money, work and kids. Ban these topics from date night.
Choose a date destination or activity that is both affordable and likely to provide a topic of conversation. This could be a museum or art gallery… a lecture or public music performance… or an auto show or flower show. You also could go for a jog or a bike ride. Avoid dinner dates. Nice restaurants tend to be too expensive for those with financial problems, and sitting across the table from each other for an entire meal creates too much pressure to come up with nonstressful conversation.
Today you will talk with your partner about your family’s financial reality. Remind each other that you’re not out to lay blame, but that you are on a fact-finding mission together as a team. Put all the facts on the table — how much money is coming in, how much is going out, debts and upcoming expenses. Brainstorm ideas for improving the situation. Often, getting it all out at once is cleansing and sends the message that you’re going forward with an attitude of maturity and partnership. Give each other permission to be creative.
Examples: Where could we cut spending? Could we obtain lower interest rates on our debts? Can we think of any potential sources of additional income?
Make a list of actions that you and your partner could take and avenues you should explore, then divide these tasks between you and agree to get to work on them as soon as possible. End the meeting by expressing satisfaction that you are now confronting the situation. Keep this meeting under 30 minutes. Then try to share a relaxed dinner together.
If you have children still living at home, make this a family dinner. Eating together is a great way to remind ourselves that family is what matters most. With young children in the house, you may want to have the money talk in a private room, door closed, after the kids are asleep or settled.
It likely will take more than one date and one dinner to rebuild the sense of unity that you and your partner have lost. Spending relaxed, enjoyable time together must become routine.
Find an hour or more today to spend with your partner doing something fun and interactive. Avoid talk of money, work or kids. You could play a game, such as Scrabble or backgammon, or take a walk or bike ride together.
Your initial money talk likely raised questions that required some research before they could be answered. Now is the time for you and your partner to report what you’ve learned thus far.
Example: “I checked out credit card rates, and we might be able to save as much as $100 a month by transferring our balances to a lower-rate card.”
Also, discuss any new ideas you have had about how to confront your money problems. Keep this conversation to less than 20 minutes.
If there are kids in the house, it’s time to let them know about your financial situation if you haven’t already — you can do this with kids as young as age six or seven. Children often sense when something is wrong, and they worry less when they are kept in the loop. You don’t have to share every detail — just explain that money is tight for a while, but that the family will get through it together.
If your kids are grown and out of the house, inform them of your financial situation if it affects them.
Examples: “We’re not going to be able to afford to visit this year”… or “We can’t help with the grandkids’ tuition this year.”
Then have another relaxed dinner, with no talk about money.
Take a vacation from stress as a couple or a family. Do something interactive that you all enjoy.
Examples: Play a board game… do a puzzle… start a craft project.
Once the kids are asleep, have sex with your partner or at least cuddle. Our bodies send positive messages to our brain about our relationship when we’re physically intimate.
Shut out the rest of the world, and explore anew how wonderful it feels to spend time with your partner. When you wake up on Sunday, commit to weekly money discussions and date nights and to eating dinner together as a family as often as possible. Remind each other how powerful you are as a couple when you focus on your love and solve problems together.
