If you’re married, there’s a good chance that when you were engaged you wondered whether taking the plunge was the right choice.

Now, I know that the phenomenon of wedding jitters or “cold feet” has long been a subject of jokes in plays, movies and books—not to mention comedy routines.

There’s a small child at a wedding. He asks his mother, “Why did the bride change her mind?” She says, “What do you mean?” And he replies: “Well, she walked down the aisle with one guy and came back with another!”

But all jokes aside, new research shows that having doubts—any doubts—before saying “I do” is anything but a laughing matter.

WHAT “COLD FEET” CAN LEAD TO

In separate interviews, researchers asked 232 heterosexual, newlywed couples—all of whom were over the age of 18…in their first marriage…and had no kids at the start of the study—one yes-or-no question: Were you ever uncertain or hesitant about getting married?

As you might expect, premarital doubts were common, with one or both partners reporting them in two-thirds of the marriages. And, no surprise, men were more likely to have had them than women (47% versus 38%).

Follow-up surveys were done every six months for four years. Here’s what the researchers discovered…

  • Women who had prewedding doubts were more than twice as likely to get divorced as women who didn’t have doubts. Among women, 19% who had doubts divorced, compared with 8% who didn’t have doubts.
  • Men who had prewedding doubts were also more likely to get divorced than men who didn’t have doubts. Among men, 14% who had doubts divorced, compared with 9% who didn’t have doubts.
  • Why was the association between doubts and divorce stronger among women than men? Well, prior research has shown that women tend to have more nuanced views of their relationships…greater sensitivity to relationship problems…and are more likely to initiate divorce. I think that probably explains it.
  • In cases when both spouses had prewedding doubts, 20% of them divorced within four years, but only 6% of couples split when neither spouse had doubts.
  • Researchers also asked participants about how satisfying their marriages were. And even among those who didn’t divorce, having had doubts predicted less satisfying marriages.

DOES THE TYPE OF CONCERN MATTER?

Are all doubts created equal? A misgiving such as, “Marriage may hurt my career” may seem less worrisome than something like, “I don’t know if I can faithfully commit to this person for the rest of my life.”

But lead study author Justin Lavner, a doctoral candidate in psychology, told me that he doesn’t think that one type of doubt necessarily matters to the marriage’s outcome more than another, since one person’s seemingly small problem may loom especially large for someone else.

WHEN YOU HAVE LINGERING DOUBTS

No matter what the doubt was and no matter when it occurred, married couples can use the study’s findings to improve their relationships by bringing these doubts out into the open.

If you’ve been married for a long time, you might be worried that sharing old concerns now will just stir up negative feelings, but Lavner said that airing doubts makes it more likely that you’ll find a solution to your issues. You may also feel less guilty if you no longer feel that you’re hiding something important from your spouse, he said. “Remember, unresolved problems tend to get worse over time, not better,” Lavner noted.

But how do you begin this difficult conversation kindly? Not by saying, “You work too much and neglect me!” Lavner’s advice is to focus on what you need—not on what you perceive to be “wrong.” Let’s say, for example, that you were concerned that once you were married, your spouse would get caught up in his career and make less time for you. And perhaps this worry has become a reality—your spouse works 14-hour days, and when he is home, he’s usually too exhausted to do anything but sleep. You can start a conversation not by complaining, but instead saying, “I love when we spend quality time together and wonder if we can find more ways to do that. Can we talk about that?” In other words, focus on the future, not the past, and work toward compromising on a solution. No go? Consult a marriage counselor if necessary.

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