Why couples stop making love… and how to reignite the passion

A lot of longtime couples still share love and respect… but the sexual sizzle has fizzled to the point where they hardly ever make love. This has two potentially grievous consequences.

First: In many cases, only one partner is content with the status quo — so the other person’s frustration eventually threatens the relationship.

Second: Physiologically, sex becomes a “use it or lose it” proposition as we age — so with prolonged abstinence, permanent problems with arousal, erection and/or orgasm often develop.

Does this situation sound familiar? Unless you are prepared to risk your marriage or give up on sex forever, you need to take action. Here are reasons why sex goes into limbo — and ways to bring it back…

HEALTH ISSUES

See your physician — and have your husband see his — to discuss the following…

An undiagnosed medical problem could be causing your sexual shutdown. Example: Diabetes can reduce blood flow and cause nerve damage, leading to frustrating erectile dysfunction (ED) or extreme vaginal dryness. Treating the underlying problem often restores a satisfying sex life.

Medication can interfere with sex. Cholesterol-lowering statin drugs can reduce testosterone, a hormone that influences sex drive… certain antidepressants suppress libido by decreasing levels of dopamine, one of the brain chemicals that fuel desire… some blood pressure drugs can limit blood flow to the genitals, hindering arousal and orgasm. Switching medication often solves the problem.

Psychological stumbling blocks can arise from physical ailments — such as when a person recovering from a heart attack feels too anxious to risk the exertion that sex involves. Helpful: Ask your doctor for guidelines on safe activities.

Aging often leads to ED — so ask your partner to talk to his doctor about medications that help produce erections. If direct penetration still isn’t possible, encourage him to bring you to orgasm manually, orally or with a vibrator… and express your love with caresses and kisses.

POOR BODY IMAGE

You may be embarrassed about your wrinkles or weight — or turned off by his. Best…

Let go of idealized images of the past. Think realistically about your early sexual encounters — the awkwardness of being inexperienced in bed, the fears of unwanted pregnancy, the pain when a relationship ends. To appreciate your body today, reflect on how much more skilled you now are as a lover… the joy of being free from pregnancy concerns… and the security of a hug from someone who has loved you for years.

Focus on physical pleasures — even when not in bed. Take scented baths together. Give each other leisurely massages. Build up your partner’s sex appeal, in his mind and in yours, with a gift of silk boxers.

Make the first move yourself if you feel frustrated as you wait for your partner to initiate sex. Your boldness will be a turn-on. If you’re never in the mood when he reaches for you, ask to be seduced — with roses, poetry, candlelight.

LACK OF COMMUNICATION

Some couples make contentious topics taboo — political views, a daughter’s divorce — to avoid conflict. But as bans increase, communication and intimacy stall. Helpful…

  • Make your bedroom a “trust zone” — where you both promise to talk openly without arguments, criticisms or stony silences. When the bedroom is a sanctuary from emotional storms, it feels more natural to put down your defenses, share confidences… and make love.
  • Remind your partner that sexual needs change over time. For most older men, the mere thought of sex is no longer enough to produce an erection — so ask him (or experiment to find out) what kind of direct manual or oral stimulation arouses him. Postmenopausal women often need a lubricant, so buy one — such as Astroglide or longer-lasting K-Y Silk-E Vaginal Moisturizer — and tell him (or show him) erotic ways to stroke it onto your genitals and his. For more suggestions, read my book Sex Over 50.

Many couples believe that they’re “too tired” for sex, but the real chill comes from suppressed anger. To try…

  • Consider possible sources of resentment. Maybe your husband loses desire because your bedroom closet reminds him of how you chronically overspend on clothing. Perhaps you turn away when you recall his long-ago and supposedly long-forgiven fling. Clues: Subtle digs (“Sure, your new black dress is as pretty as the old one — is it a bigger size?”)… or withdrawal (“Nothing’s wrong, stop asking”).
  • Focus on bothersome behavior rather than attacking your partner’s character. Example: Say, “I feel insecure when you flirt with the neighbors,” not, “You act like the neighborhood stud.”
  • See a therapist if you have trouble curbing behaviors that fuel justifiable anger or making peace with the past. Referrals: American Board of Couple and Family Psychology, 919-537-8031, www.abpp.org.

BOREDOM

Being able to predict what your partner will do, in and out of bed, makes sex ho-hum. The fix…

Learn new sexual techniques by watching sensual films together. Check out: Femme Productions from Candida Royalle, 800-456-5683, www.candidaroyalle.com.

Experiment with sex toys. Even if they are only good for a giggle, it’s great to laugh together in bed. Discreet source: Good Vibrations, 800-289-8423, www.goodvibes.com.

Pretend it’s your third date. Dress up… go someplace new… avoid too-familiar topics (job, house, kids)… share old secrets and new insights. You’ll be amazed — and aroused — to discover the wonderful ways in which the man you thought you knew so well has evolved. More help: If the steps above do not revive your sex life, consult a sex therapist. Referrals: American Psychological Association, 800-964-2000, http://locator.apa.org.

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