Say that your friend asks you and your spouse who deserves the credit for the amazing vacation that the two of you just took.

Maybe your spouse claims that she was the one to find the location online, so she deserves the applause. Deep down, perhaps you disagree, because it was you who made all the calls and sent all the e-mails to book the hotel and plan the activities.

Do you speak up? New research shows that you might be better off keeping your mouth shut, avoiding a silly spat and giving your spouse the glory!

Allowing her to “win” and letting yourself “lose” is a form of personal generosity, and that’s a trait that both partners tend to share in a really good marriage or partnership, according to this recent study.

It’s about giving a little bit of yourself—just a wee little bit!—and doing it so often that the result adds up to a lot in your partner’s mind. And with a few tips, we all can do this, according to life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander.

SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

The study was done at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, where researchers interviewed 3,146 married men and women between the ages of 18 and 55. Each person in the married couple was asked how generous he or she is to his or her spouse. The study defined generosity in marriage as “small acts of kindness, regular displays of affection and respect, and a willingness to forgive one’s spouse their faults and failings.” Researchers also asked respondents to rate how happy they are in their marriages, how often they experience marital conflict and the likelihood that they’ll get divorced.

Results: Generosity was positively associated with marital satisfaction and was negatively associated with marital conflict and the likelihood of divorce. This held true when the person being interviewed was the one being generous. It was also true when the person being interviewed was married to a spouse who reported being generous, though these associations were somewhat stronger for the spouse who gave generosity. These findings were true no matter the age of the couples nor how long they had been married.

FORGETTING TO APPRECIATE YOUR LOVED ONE

Generosity enhances a marriage because we all need to feel appreciated in our relationships. To get a sense of whether or not you’re a generous spouse, Zander suggests that you think back to the beginning of your relationship with your significant other. I bet that you were overly generous—traveling an hour out of your way to have a romantic dinner at the perfect restaurant or spontaneously buying that person gifts to show your affection. But how about now? How often do you do such things?

The answer for far too many spouses is “not as often”—or, more worrisome, “not at all.” “As time passes, we tend to take each other for granted. What used to be new, thrilling and special quickly becomes routine, ordinary and boring. This can make intimacy and happiness slip away,” said Zander.

HOW TO BE MORE GENEROUS

Clearly it’s important to bring more generosity into a marriage, but what are the best ways to do that? Making this change isn’t hard. Zander advises that you focus on what your spouse loves and needs most. For example, if she can’t function without a large cup of strong coffee each morning, surprise her one day by making her some before she gets up—and then bring her a fresh mug in bed, so she doesn’t even have to go get it. Or maybe your spouse has a fish tank that he labors over, so buy him a new plant for the tank and watch how pleased he’ll be. Or perhaps your spouse is supposed to pick up the dry cleaning that afternoon, but the dry cleaner is closing soon and she’s running late—offer to go pick it up for her and take that weight off her shoulders.

These acts may seem insignificant, but if you start doing them for your partner regularly, your partner will probably return the favors, said Zander. And in a world filled with people who rush around and often are rude to one another, those sweet, surprising moments will likely fill you with more joy and gratitude than you can even imagine—and your marriage will be stronger for it.

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