ASK YOURSELF THIS KEY QUESTION

We all are shaped by our early experiences, even when we feel as if we have moved a great distance from our families, whether in time or geographically. Wherever we are, whoever we have become, we still carry with us the blueprint that we developed as a child about how we are supposed to interact with others — and this can hurt our marriages. Consider these examples…

Eric is afraid to express his real hopes and other feelings to his wife. He holds back and retreats into a shell because as a child he lived with unhappy, depressed parents. Whenever he tried to speak to them about things that bothered him, he felt they grew even more despondent. Before long, Eric shut down and withdrew, fearful that any assertiveness would hurt the people he loves.

Alison is afraid to become dependent on anyone. Her father habitually failed to live up to his promises and disappointed her repeatedly, whether it involved taking her on a trip or just coming home from the office before she went to bed. As a result, she grew up afraid of becoming dependent on men, fearing that they would disappoint her. She did marry but remained emotionally distant from her husband. When her marriage ended in divorce, she concluded that the inevitable had occurred — she had been let down once again.

There are, of course, differences in the way people react to the experiences of their families. Not everyone will respond to particular influences in the same way, nor will the connection between current behavior and an earlier pattern always be obvious. But most people can improve their relationships by taking the following steps…

  • Look for repeated behaviors that have negative consequences. Then think back to your childhood about what might be the real cause of these negative behaviors. Being aware of the issue is a key step in resolving it. Did your parents argue and frighten you so that now you avoid confrontation? Did you get a flood of attention when you were ill as a child and now use illness to get attention from your loved ones? Whatever the childhood pattern, try to identify the adult version of that behavior in your current love relationship.

 

  • Ask yourself, “What am I doing habitually that leaves my partner dissatisfied?” If you are not sure how to identify the pattern, ask your partner, “What do I do that you think forms a pattern and interferes with our intimacy?” If your partner’s response leaves you feeling vulnerable or defensive, it likely is right on target. Most of us are protective of our childhood patterns.

 

  • Make a change. Once you have identified a pattern that is problematic, look for ways to proceed that will foster closeness, not create distance. If you have a pattern of avoiding confrontation, for example, push yourself to invite discussion of difficult issues despite your discomfort. If you typically are negative with your partner, try giving him/her the benefit of the doubt. If you are consistent in doing this, you will find that over time, repeating a new behavior decreases the discomfort associated with the behavior.

 

  • Soothe yourself. An important key to changing a long-standing but ineffectual pattern is learning how to soothe yourself. Self-soothing involves turning inward and accessing your own resources to regain your emotional balance. It is the ability to comfort and care for yourself without regressing into a childhood pattern. A key to self-soothing involves regaining perspective — remind yourself that you are doing something positive (changing a negative pattern) and that the discomfort won’t last forever. You also can write about the emotions you are experiencing — often that is very effective at releasing emotional pain.

 

In addition, it is helpful to recall challenges you faced successfully — this helps boost your confidence. Example: If you had a difficult time in your marriage after your first child was born, but you and your spouse weathered that challenging period, remind yourself of your ability to work as a team.

  • Take the initiative. Don’t wait for your spouse to change. This “I’ll change after you do” attitude typically leads to further deterioration of the relationship.

 

Example: One partner says, “If you would only make me feel welcome, I would be home more.” The other partner says, “If you stopped going golfing so often, I’d be more welcoming when you came home.”

While it is easier and more productive when husband and wife work together to change, either one may rein in his/her behavior and thereby disrupt a negative pattern. Take the first steps — your relationship will benefit.

  • Persist. Long-standing behavior patterns are difficult to shake for all the reasons that maintain the pattern in the first place. Consciously trying to change one’s behavior can seem unnatural at first because it goes against the flow. We must risk losing the comforts of our familiar patterns, knowing that the new behavior will be worthwhile in the long run. It will take time to extinguish the old patterns and occasional setbacks are likely, but you will find that it gets easier over time.

 

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