Your husband drops spaghetti in his lap and you chide, “You’re so sloppy when you eat.” He makes a wrong turn while driving and you snap, “Why don’t you pay attention to where you’re going?” At a party, your partner recounts a favorite anecdote and you complain, “Not again! We’ve all heard that story before.”

Are you cringing because such scenarios sound familiar? Though most of us probably think of ourselves as polite people, it’s easy to fall into the habit of being uncivil to our nearest and dearest. Such rudeness is a sign that you’re taking your partner for granted, expecting hurtful slights to be overlooked and forgiven. But taunts and putdowns can test a loved one’s tolerance, ultimately causing deep resentment or even driving him away. Putting a halt to the habit is bound to make you feel better about your own behavior—and it encourages your partner to demonstrate more loving kindness toward you, too. How to get started…

Raise your awareness of incivility. Recognizing rudeness is an essential first step toward change, so make a point of noticing when your tone changes from soft to harsh or your words become critical or condescending rather than supportive. Take note of what makes your partner wince, withdraw into silence or retaliate in anger. Before you speak, ask yourself, If others were within earshot, would they find my words critical, nasty or inappropriate? Or, Would I ever dare to say this to a stranger? A “no” answer is a dead giveaway that you are overstepping the boundaries of intimacy and taking advantage of a loved one’s forgiveness.

Enlist your partner’s cooperation. Request that your spouse kindly and nondefensively explain what you tend to say or do that is hurtful. For instance, he may truly not mind some gentle ribbing about his poor sense of direction but be sensitive to snide remarks about his weight. Agree on a code word or phrase that he can use—such as red light or sweetie pie—to alert you at the exact moment when rudeness occurs, so you can interrupt the hurtful behavior before it goes any further.

Choose your battles. Nobody’s perfect. You’ll only feel frustrated if you declare war against your partner’s every little foible, so decide which traits you can learn to live with. Once you identify a behavior that truly annoys you, discuss it with him calmly, in private, and politely explain how you would prefer for him to act. Take some responsibility by acknowledging your own intolerance for this pet peeve—for instance, “My father was a such a stickler about table manners that I feel embarrassed when you use the wrong fork at a dinner party”—and ask for suggestions on how you can reduce the power this trigger has over you.

Pinpoint unsuspected underlying problems. Consider whether your carping at your spouse stems from some unrelated source of discontent, such as a friend’s betrayal or your boss’s lack of appreciation. Subconsciously, you may feel that blowing up at your partner is a relatively safe way to release frustration, exercise power or express anxiety—but you need to remind yourself that the only true solution is to directly deal with the root problem.

Consider counseling. Apologizing but then repeating the same unkind behaviors can cross the line to emotional abuse. If you cannot change on your own, see a therapist to help you uncover influences, such as patterns in your family of origin, that trigger your persistent hurtfulness. Encourage your partner to work with a therapist, too, or see a marriage counselor together, if you suspect that he derives a masochistic satisfaction from your insults. Exploring such issues with a trained professional can help you both establish a more emotionally healthy manner of interacting.

Related Articles