Are you “eye shy”? Many of us are — holding another person’s gaze makes us feel vulnerable. That’s a shame because making strong eye contact increases the odds that those we meet will consider us honest, trustworthy and confident. That could land us a new job or a big sale and strengthen our personal relationships.

Here’s how to become comfortable with eye contact — and master the nuances necessary to use it to maximum advantage.

GET COMFORTABLE

If making eye contact makes you uncomfortable, practice in situations where little is at stake…

  • Make eye contact with strangers you pass in public places. Establish this eye contact when you are four or five paces away. Keep your expression neutral, and hold your gaze just long enough to determine the stranger’s eye color — no longer than one second. Longer eye contact or pronounced facial expressions, even smiles, can make strangers uncomfortable.
  • Make extended eye contact with waiters, waitresses and salespeople. These people tend to be very receptive to eye contact with customers and skilled at returning it in a friendly manner. They know that strong eye contact often results in larger tips and commissions.

Once you feel comfortable making this low-pressure eye contact, try holding eye contact with people you know. The first day, maintain contact for a moment longer than feels comfortable. Then the next day, maintain the eye contact for a moment longer than that, until it’s your conversation partner who breaks eye contact first.

When someone breaks eye contact with you — or when you notice him/her physically tensing or squirming — you should break eye contact, too. Extending eye contact any longer will make him more uncomfortable.

EXPERT TRICKS

The goal during eye contact is to send a soft gaze, not a penetrating laserlike stare. When you are speaking with someone, relax the muscles of your brow and imagine that you are taking in both of your conversation partner’s eyes at once.

Helpful: Maintaining an attitude of warmth and charity toward the person with whom you are speaking can help create a soft, reassuring gaze.

When the time comes to break eye contact, do so by looking to the side. Breaking eye contact by glancing down sends a signal of shame or submission. Breaking it by looking up sends a signal of uncertainty and seems somewhat unnatural.

Once eye contact is broken, gaze slightly to one side of your conversation partner’s eyes. Do not focus on something or someone else in the vicinity — that suggests disinterest in the person with whom you are speaking.

Exception: It’s OK to break eye contact to look at something or someone else if the conversation is about that person or thing.

How long to wait before reestablishing eye contact depends on the person you are speaking with and the situation. In general…

    • In a professional setting, try to make eye contact for about half the time that you are speaking with someone. If you break eye contact after five seconds, wait roughly five seconds before resuming. Making more eye contact than this can seem overly familiar and inappropriate. It’s OK to lower your eye contact rate to less than 50% if your conversation partner makes little eye contact with you, but not much less, or you could appear unsure.
    • With friends, pay attention to how much eye contact each particular friend tends to make with you and try to do the same. This increases the odds that the friend will feel a bond with you.
    • To build intimacy in a romantic relationship, resume eye contact almost immediately upon breaking it. If the person you are speaking with does the same, the odds are very good that you have made a strong connection.

JOB INTERVIEWS AND SALES CALLS

Job applicants and salespeople need to seem confident but not pushy. They also need to give the impression that they are “on the same page” as the interviewer or client. One subtle but­ effective way to accomplish both of these things is to alternate who breaks eye contact. Early in the conversation, notice how long the interviewer or client tends to hold eye contact with you, then strive to break contact first roughly half the time. Always breaking contact first seems unsure, while always maintaining eye contact longest seems overbearing.

Warning: Alternating who breaks eye contact can be distracting the first few times you try it. Practice during low-pressure conversations before attempting it during an important interview or sales call.

PUBLIC SPEAKING

Do not try to make eye contact with everyone when speaking to large groups. It’s better to maintain eye contact with a single audience member for five to 10 seconds — or for one complete thought — before shifting your gaze to someone else.

Don’t worry if you do not have time to make eye contact with everyone. Even audience members whose eyes you do not meet will sense that you are making connections and will feel closer to you because of it.

Helpful: If you’re not comfortable with public speaking or become concerned that a particular presentation is failing, make eye contact primarily with audience members who are nodding in agreement or who you know to be allies. These people’s eyes and faces should provide confidence-boosting positive feedback.

A SHOWDOWN

If your goal is to prevail in an adversarial situation, maintain eye contact with your adversary for as long as possible. It does not weaken your position if you blink. Maintain a facial expression of extreme calm. An angry scowl or a tensed body lets your opponent know that he is getting to you.

You know that your opponent is likely to back down from the confrontation if he repeatedly breaks eye contact by looking downward or stops making eye contact with you entirely.

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