Strategies that really work

Marital money tensions increase in tough financial times such as these. Even the closest couples don’t always see eye to eye on money matters. Couples argue over what to buy… how much to save… how aggressively to invest… and anything else involving dollars and cents.

Most married couples are not as far apart in their financial thinking as they imagine. The problem is that they tend to see only their money differences and ignore the similarities. Rather than judge our partners’ financial beliefs and habits against an objective standard, we tend to consider them in comparison with our own habits — then cast our partner as our polar opposite. This can make minor differences in opinion seem like major schisms.

Example: A wife saves 35% of her salary, while her husband, who has a higher salary, saves “only” 20% of his. Though this husband is a responsible saver by any objective standard, the wife may feel that she is carrying an unfair share of the burden and that the husband is spending too freely.

FINANCIAL BATTLE LINES

The first step in overcoming financial friction in a marriage is identifying areas of conflict and the opposing financial roles that each partner is forced into. Here are six common battle lines. Do you see your relationship described here?

Spender vs. hoarder. One spouse considers the other an overspender… while the second sees the first as a hoarder or miser. This leaves neither one happy. The spender feels forced to defend or hide purchases… while the hoarder feels saddled with full responsibility for reaching the family’s savings goals. Even if both partners are responsible savers, the one who saves less may be treated as a reckless spender… and when both are spenders, the one who spends less might be cast as hoarder.

Money worrier vs. money avoider. The partner who worries more — or more openly — about money comes to believe that his partner doesn’t take financial matters seriously. The worrier typically is the partner who handles most of the bill-paying and budget-balancing chores. The other partner believes that the continual worrying about finances adds unnecessary tension to the relationship.

Planner vs. dreamer. One partner takes charge of the nitty-gritty details of the family’s finances… while the other acts as visionary, ignoring details and thinking big. These roles could be complementary, but more often they leave partners battling over financial priorities and processes.

Example: The planner tries to enforce a detailed budget, while the dreamer makes impulsive purchases that fit the image of how he wants life to be.

Money monk vs. money grower. One partner considers money dirty and corrupting, and doesn’t bother investing or seeking raises… while the other believes that earning and saving are worthwhile life goals. Even minor differences here can seem very significant because our basic outlook on money is so closely tied to our core beliefs.

Risk taker vs. risk avoider. One partner’s aggressive approach to investing or career planning creates discomfort for the other, who lives in fear that the family’s savings will be lost. When risk takers suffer financial setbacks — as most have in the past year — their risk-avoider partners typically blame them for those losses. Risk takers usually are men — but not always.

Money merger vs. money separator. One partner believes that all of the couple’s savings and financial decisions should be bundled together… while the other tries to keep some of his money separate from the other partner’s. Money mergers often consider their partners’ desire for separation a sign of lack of commitment to the relationship. It typically is men who push to merge the family finances.

Example: A wife who does not work outside the home inherits money and wants to keep it separate from the family’s money. Her husband is insulted by this request because he has been sharing his income for years.

BRIDGING THE MONEY GAP

A four-step plan for avoiding financial fights with your partner…

1. Consider financial disagreements with your spouse as relationship inevitabilities, not examples of your partner’s flaws. We tend to dismiss or demean our partner’s financial opinions when they differ from our own. It is these contemptuous responses — not the financial differences themselves — that turn disagreements into brawls.

Better: Start with the assumption that your partner’s financial thinking is both reasonable and closer to your own than you realize. This keeps things friendly and prevents disagreements from escalating.

Examples: Your partner isn’t necessarily a spendthrift just because he doesn’t save as much as you… or a big risk taker simply because he takes more risks than you… or a money avoider simply because he doesn’t fret as openly about recent stock market losses as you do.

2. Create an atmosphere that encourages civil discussion of financial matters. Financial differences are more likely to escalate into fights when they’re allowed to fester without discussion. Unfortunately, couples often hesitate to raise financial topics that have led to fights in the past.

Better: Establish a framework for calmly discussing financial matters that promotes safety and trust. Set aside 20 minutes each week for a money conversation. During the session, one spouse shares one of his money concerns for two to three minutes, while the other listens and then repeats what was said. The first spouse then speaks again, and the process is repeated until the first spouse is done. After that, the spouses switch roles, and the second spouse goes through the process. It is important to be empathetic and avoid being judgmental or argumentative.

Example: Partner 1: “I’m worried that the stock market will continue to decline.” Partner 2: “I hear that you are worried about further declines. It is perfectly reasonable to have those concerns considering everything that has happened recently.”

The more you understand how your partner feels about finances, the more likely you are to sympathize with his feelings, even if you don’t agree.

3. Tell your partner what you admire about the way the partner handles money. This positive feedback helps balance the largely negative feedback that most married people normally send their partners about their financial decisions, often without realizing it.

Examples: A risk avoider might tell her risk-taking partner that she admires his ability to put up with declines in portfolio value without panic. A hoarder might tell a spender that he admires her generosity and ability to enjoy life.

4. Take one action per week that fits your partner’s financial makeup, not your own. When both partners do this, it can help them moderate their financial views and move toward a middle ground. Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first.

Example: A spender might cancel a purchase and put the money into an investment account instead. The hoarder partner might agree to a discretionary purchase without complaint.

Over time, if you follow the four steps above, you will lessen tension and conflict with your spouse over money.