Dad should stop driving. Mom needs help at home. How to get them to see it your way.
Teenagers aren’t the only ones who argue with their parents. Full-grown adults sometimes disagree with their aging parents. When these conflicts involve a parent’s safety or financial security, the adult children often refuse to yield despite the parent’s wishes.
These disagreements can grow so heated that it almost seems as if a referee needs to be called in to avoid ruining the relationship.
Here are ways to increase the odds of a peaceful resolution when grown children and their parents disagree…
Include close family members in the conversation with the parent, and meet with those family members beforehand. Family members who are close to this parent are more likely to oppose your position if they feel excluded from the decision-making process. Also, parents are more likely to respect an opinion shared by many family members than that of just one adult child.
Schedule the conversation for morning or early afternoon if the parent experiences “sundowning”—reduced mental clarity as evening approaches. People in the early stages of dementia often are mentally sharpest and best able to contribute to important conversations early in the day.
Have ready specific examples of why you believe something needs to be done. Examples can increase the odds that the parent and other relatives will agree that action is required.
Example: “It’s not just my opinion that your driving skills have slipped. You’ve had three fender benders in the past year.”
Raise an issue by saying it might be time to discuss the available options, not by saying it’s time to take the specific action that you, personally, consider best. Pushing your opinion at the outset only increases the odds that the parent will dig in his/her heels.
Example: Say, “I think it’s time we discussed what sort of help you might need in the future,” rather than, “I think it’s time we thought about moving you into a nursing home”—even if you think a nursing home is the best choice.
Once a parent agrees to take part in the discussion, it is more likely that he will listen when you provide evidence that the option you favor is worth a look.
If family discussions about elder issues become rancorous, find a mediator. The National Eldercare Mediator Network (http://www.Eldercare Mediators.com) or the Association for Conflict Resolution (www.acrnet.org) can help you locate a professional mediator in your region who has experience dealing with elder issues. Mediators typically charge from $150 to $500 an hour, depending on the region and their experience. If this is cost prohibitive, perhaps the family can agree on a respected family member, family friend or religious counselor to serve as a mediator.
Among the issues involving elderly parents that often become sources of family strife…
Conflict: Some family members believe an elderly parent needs more assistance from professional caregivers, possibly even a nursing home—but the parent disagrees.
Strategy: Cite the specific dangerous incidents that are causing your concern—falls or ovens being left on, for example. Keep the term “nursing home” out of the conversation—it -carries too much negative baggage in many people’s minds. Instead, explain that there are many other possible care options, ranging from having someone look in on the parent regularly… to an assisted-living facility. Say that your goal is to find the option that gets the parent the amount of assistance needed to live the life he wants.
If that fails—or if you are the elderly parent and you truly believe that your current living arrangements are appropriate—suggest that the family arrange a geriatric assessment. This provides an unbiased, informed evaluation of what level of assistance is appropriate for a senior. It is typically offered through hospitals and geriatric care centers. The parent’s doctor might be able to recommend someone. If not, your state’s Adult Protective Services department might be able to help you find one. (Put “Adult Protective Services” and your state’s name into any search engine to find contact information for this government agency.)
Conflict: An aging parent’s driving seems unsafe to one or more family members, but the parent won’t surrender the car keys.
Strategy: Do not just ask a parent to give up the car keys—present a plan for how the parent will get around without a car. If you are the parent, explain that you might be willing to discuss giving up driving if such a plan could be arranged. Research the region’s public transit, senior shuttles and taxi services. Or explore whether family members and friends who live in the region could provide rides when needed.
Example: A man agreed to sell his car when his son suggested that some of the money from this sale be put into an account with a local cab company.
If the parent still considers himself a safe driver, suggest that he retake the driving test through the state department of motor vehicles to settle the matter objectively…and/or suggest that he take driving lessons designed for aging adults given by organizations such as Keeping Us Safe (877-907-8841, www.KeepingUsSafe.org)…and AAA (202-638-5944, www.SeniorDrivers.org).
Conflict: Family members may get under one another’s skin when an elderly parent moves in with an adult child.
Strategy: Neither parent nor child should attempt to impose “house rules.” Instead, say that everyone will have to work together to develop a system that keeps family members from annoying one another. Propose that the first month be treated as an adjustment period, and choose a date and time of month in the future for family members to discuss what policies need to be implemented.
Example: An older man often got up in the middle of the night for a snack, then left his son’s kitchen a mess. During the follow-up meeting, he agreed to clean his dishes before returning to bed. He hadn’t realized this was annoying because his late wife had never complained about it.
If the parent has diminished mental capacity and cannot help but do things that annoy the rest of the family, search for ways you could alter the living arrangements to minimize these annoyances. Perhaps the parent could move into a room in the basement so that his late-night noise is less disruptive. If no solution presents itself, the adult child must decide whether the behavior can be endured or whether it is so disruptive that the only solution is to find alternate living arrangements for the parent.
