A wise person once said, “Parenting is the only love where the goal is separation.” When a child grows up and gets married, the transition can be difficult for parents. Well-meaning parents may not realize that some of their actions may be undermining the new marriage as well as their relationships with their children. What to do…
It is normal to feel a sense of loss that you are no longer number one in your child’s life. While acknowledging this feeling of loss, be willing to shift your attention to the benefits. To do so, ask yourself love-based questions rather than fear-based questions.
Fear-based questions focus on what you are giving up. They grow out of the assumption that there is not enough love to go around. Examples: Will we still have family holidays together? Is my child’s partner a threat to me? Will I never see my son?
Love-based questions focus on what you have to give and gain. They grow out of the assumption that love is unlimited. Examples: What do my children and their new partners bring to my life? How does what I say or do affect them? How can I make the new person in the family feel welcome and at ease?
Don’t give unsolicited advice
Even your best-intentioned suggestions are likely to be perceived as criticism. Instead, ask the couple, “Would you like some help with this?” or “I have some ideas about this situation — would you like to hear them?” Respect the answer. If they do ask for advice, do not expect or pressure them to follow it.
Helpful: Whenever you catch yourself saying or thinking the word should, stop. You are likely to be imposing your values on the couple. Even if you are certain that you are right, your input will not be welcome and may create a chasm between you.
Better: Pause before you speak. Take a deep breath… count silently to three… and ask yourself, What are the potential effects of what I am about to say?
Keeping quiet can be especially difficult where grandchildren are concerned. You may worry or disapprove when your children make child-rearing choices that you disagree with. Unless a child’s safety is at risk, it is better to keep your opinions to yourself.
An apology is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children. When you apologize, you change the balance of power. The parent becomes less formidable, more accessible. Whether you said or did something thoughtless or innocently pushed someone’s hot button, take responsibility for doing so. If you’re not sure what you did wrong, use a calm, friendly tone and the phrase “Can you help me understand… ?”
Example: “I am so sorry that I upset you. Can you help me understand what about it bothered you?”
The line between inclusiveness and smothering can be hard to discern. Some families enjoy a great deal of contact, such as a tradition of having Sunday dinner together every week. Others are more hands-off.
No matter what your custom has been, do not assume that these traditions will continue unchanged. The young couple may want to create their own traditions.
Better: Invite, but don’t pressure. Have an honest discussion about what the couple would prefer. Example: “We would love to have you at our family dinners, but we want to respect your needs, too. How much extended-family time feels comfortable to you?” Do not be surprised if their needs continue to change over time.
And never drop by for a visit unannounced, even if you used to do so before your child got married.
Develop interests apart from your child. Take classes, join clubs and expand your circle of friends. Having a support system outside your immediate family keeps you from relying on your children to make you happy.
Despite all your best efforts, misunderstandings can arise because you or your child or your child’s partner still has unresolved family conflicts that are triggered by others’ behavior. Self-development is a lifelong process. Rather than assuming that you have everything under control, be willing to talk to a counselor or clergy person about issues that you could learn to handle better.
Never talk about your child’s spouse behind his/her back. And if your child comes to you to complain about his/her spouse, avoid taking sides. The situation may only escalate, and you could be blamed.
Better: Say, “Honey, I support you and I’m here for you, but I’m not a professional and I’m not going to give you advice about what to do. If the two of you can’t sort this out, I encourage you to talk it over with a counselor.”
While some sons- and daughters-in-law become beloved friends and confidants, many do not. You lack a shared history, and your preferences and tastes may be very different.
If you feel that there’s a distance between yourself and your child’s partner, make a point to share some of your own experiences. Encourage the partner to tell you more about himself. You may never be best buddies, but the more he finds out about your life and you about his, the closer you two are likely to be.
If you feel that your child’s spouse is not nice to you, put it out on the table. Say, “I will always try to treat you with courtesy, and I really would appreciate the same.”
