Your boss is getting very buddy-buddy with a bright new colleague. (Are you about to be nudged out?) Your teenager is all of a sudden entirely too helpful around the house. (What’s she angling for?) Or your partner talks for a long time to an attractive person at a party. (Hmmmm…)
Do any of those scenarios set off your Suspicion Radar? That’s normal—to a degree—because we are hardwired to mistrust unfamiliar people and situations, I heard from Harvard psychiatrist Joseph Shrand, MD, author of Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion. He told me, “Suspicion is a primal emotion born out of the fear that someone will take what’s yours, or what you think should be yours, leaving you vulnerable or out in the cold.”
Up to a point, suspicion is protective, of course. Being alert to threats helps you navigate office politics or recognize when your kid or your marriage is headed for trouble—not to mention keeping you away from dangerous people and dangerous places.
But if you are too suspicious, the consequences can be severe. For instance, over-the-top suspicion can…
It’s no way to live.
One impediment to avoiding those problems is that people who are overly suspicious often do not realize this about themselves. Instead, they’re likely to think that their suspicion is justified. So here’s a test that can help you discern whether your suspiciousness is out of proportion to reality. Ask yourself whether you often…
If you recognize yourself in two or more of the scenarios above (particularly among the first three), it’s likely that you are too suspicious. In that case, I strongly urge you to take the trust-building steps described below.
Constant suspicion is a mental habit—and like most habits, it can be broken if you’re willing to work toward change, Dr. Shrand said. Try these strategies…
Take note of specific suspicions. Carry a small notebook or use the voice-record function on your cell phone to make a quick note when you catch yourself feeling suspicious, identifying the situation and/or person that provoked the episode and noting any accompanying thoughts or emotions. After a week, review all your notes and look for patterns. Understanding what typically underlies your suspicions is the first step toward changing your habitual reactions.
Give your suspicions a reality check. Using the notes you made above, analyze how likely it is that each particular worst-case scenario you envisioned actually is true. Example: That bright and popular new coworker has you worried about your job. Well, is your company in the midst of downsizing (in which case maybe you should work harder or polish your resume)…or was your last performance review stellar (in which case you’re probably worrying for nothing)? This kind of exercise helps your rational prefrontal cortex take back control from your knee-jerk limbic brain region.
Take inventory of your strengths and resources. Unwarranted suspicions often stem from low self-esteem, Dr. Shrand said—you believe that, since you are “less than,” it is likely that others will try to step all over you. Helpful: Write a list of all your notable accomplishments and the things you do well or the things that other people say you are good at. Carry this list with you. When you start falling into a suspicious frame of mind, read over your list to give your sense of self-worth a needed boost.
Practice demonstrating trust. When people are treated with suspicion, they tend to react in kind—and as Dr. Shrand said, “Two suspicious brains are a sure formula for disaster because they feed off each other in a vicious cycle.” In contrast, when people are treated as trustworthy, they tend to want to live up to that. For instance, remember that too-helpful teen we mentioned previously? Instead of expressing skepticism as to her motives (Whatever it is you’re angling for, it’s not going to work), simply acknowledge her helpfulness and offer your thanks. If she doesn’t have ulterior motives, you avoid doing damage to your relationship. If she does have a hidden agenda, your demonstration of trust may dissuade her from following through—or at least make it impossible for her to justifying misbehavior by claiming, “My parents expect the worst from me anyway, so I might as well do whatever I want.”
Communicate clearly. If you can’t get past the feeling that someone is playing shady with you, don’t stew, backstab or plot subterfuges or revenge. Go to the person involved and respectfully ask, “This is what I am seeing. What is going on?” Even if what the person reveals is painful (for instance, if your partner says, “Yes, I was attracted to that party guest and I am feeling very distant from you,”), getting the situation out into the open gives you a chance to address the problem. That’s a much better outcome.
Get professional help. If you find that your life is still beset by suspicions despite taking the steps above, if you’re plagued by the sense that the world is against you, or if loved ones voice concerns about your mental state (for instance, using words such as paranoid), see a mental health professional. Treatment can help you overcome your over-the-top suspicions. Referrals: Check the Web sites of the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association or the National Association of Social Workers.
More from Dr. Shrand: Read our recent article, How to Handle Someone Else’s Rage.
