Why do men and women have affairs? That’s what I wanted to find out when I surveyed more than 700 married men and women.
Of the men I studied, half had cheated on their wives and half had remained faithful. When I asked the unfaithful men about the reasons they were dissatisfied in their marriages at the time of their affairs, I expected sexual dissatisfaction to either top the list or be way up there. But only 8% reported that factor to have been the problem. Almost half (48%) declared emotional dissatisfaction to have been the primary issue. I was dumbfounded. Clearly, men have more emotional needs than most people assume.
Here, more truths about why husbands and wives cheat and what we all can do to boost the odds that our partners will remain faithful…
Approximately half of all married men will cheat on their wives at some point during the marriage. What wives can do to keep their husbands faithful…
Show more appreciation for what he does and less disappointment for what he doesn’t do. Saying “thank you” is a start, but showing appreciation is even better—most men value deeds over words. Examples: Give him back rubs…cook his favorite meals…buy his favorite magazine.
Show appreciation even if he’s only doing the things that you expect him to do and even if he never verbalizes his desire for appreciation. Express your thanks for his hard work earning money for the family, even if you work just as hard or earn more money. Men are under tremendous societal pressure to provide for their families and often feel underappreciated when their efforts in this area go unacknowledged.
Some wives fear that if they show appreciation, their husbands will conclude that they must be doing enough and stop trying to do more. In reality, it’s the unappreciated husbands who are unlikely to try harder—and more likely to seek out the appreciation that they need from other women.
Keep an eye on his friends. Wives typically worry when their husbands form friendships with other women. But sometimes it’s the husband’s relationships with other men that increase the odds of an affair. When married men have male friends who cheat and brag about it, it greatly increases the odds that they will cheat, too.
Wives often have a sense of which of their husbands’ friends are unfaithful. The question is what to do about it? Husbands tend to ignore wives’ requests to avoid particular friends.
Instead, encourage your husband to invite his friend over to your home rather than see him elsewhere. The closer you are when your husband is with this man, the less likely the conversation is to turn to extramarital affairs.
Meanwhile, arrange for you and your husband to spend as much time as possible with friends who are happily married. The more time couples spend together with couples who seem happy and faithful, the greater the odds that they will be happy and faithful, too.
Helpful: If infidelity comes up in conversation, tell your husband, “If one of my friends ever cheated, I’d understand if you wouldn’t want me to spend time with her. I’m just asking you to bring him over here more and spend less time with him.” This gets the point across without making your husband feel as if you’re ordering him not to spend time with his friend.
Ask him about his father. Studies have shown that if a husband knows that his father cheated, it greatly increases the odds that he will cheat.
To find out more about his father, ask him questions such as, “What was your parents’ marriage like when you were a kid?” and “Did your dad ever do anything inappropriate that you knew about?” If your father-in-law was unfaithful, this will increase your husband’s day-to-day awareness of it, reducing the odds that the same behavior pattern will sneak up on him.
Warning: Do not criticize your father-in-law—that might make your husband feel the need to defend his father. Also, do not warn your husband outright that his father’s cheating increases the odds that he will cheat—he might take this as an accusation.
Wives cheat nearly as often as husbands. Unfaithful wives often cannot pinpoint a single cause for their affairs. Despite this, there are some specific things that husbands can do to reduce the odds of infidelity…
Find time to talk. Wives who say that they are happy and faithful also tend to say that they spend at least 30 uninterrupted minutes per day talking with their husbands. Wives who say that they are unhappy and/or unfaithful tend to say that they speak with their husbands for less than 30 minutes per day.
Unfortunately, many husbands strive for efficiency in conversation, discussing important matters as quickly as possible and avoiding chitchat entirely. More men need to understand what most women already understand—that time spent just hanging out and relaxing and chitchatting with each other is crucial to relationships.
What to do: Every day, find at least a half-hour to talk to your wife without interruption from the TV, cell phones or kids. Make a mental note of interesting newspaper articles and personal experiences throughout the day. When couples talk daily, they begin to think of each other during the day when things come up and they mark these things in their minds to share later.
Say “I understand” when she discusses her problems. Unfaithful wives often report that one reason for the affair was their husbands’ inability to understand them.
The simplest way to convince your wife that you understand her is to reply, “I understand,” when she shares her problems. Also ask follow-up questions, such as, “What happened next?” and “How did that make you feel?” Provide your opinion or potential solutions to her problems only if she specifically requests this.
Helpful: Husbands sometimes avoid telling their wives “I understand” out of fear that this understanding will be misconstrued as assent to the wife’s opinion. However, women tend to be better than men at grasping the difference between the responses “I understand” and “I agree.”
Show appreciation for what she does. Husbands aren’t the only ones who appreciate appreciation. Showing that you care and are grateful for what they do keeps wives faithful, too.
The good news for husbands is that women are better than men at sharing what makes them feel appreciated, so it takes the guesswork out of it. And even small gestures such as thank-yous, hugs, kisses or unexpected token gifts such as flowers go a long way toward making wives feel wanted.
