The harsh inner critic hisses, “Your house is a mess…you’re such a moron about money… your children are ashamed of you.” Why do so many women wrestle with such self-doubts, despairing of ever measuring up? Often the answer lies in the way we were mothered — or rather, not mothered.

Emotional scars can form when a person is raised by what psychologists call a narcissistic mother — a woman so self-absorbed that she cannot unconditionally love or emotionally support her child. The daughter of such a woman, not realizing that her own low self-esteem stems from her mother’s lousy treatment of her, blames herself for that very treatment. The negative effects can last a lifetime…unless a woman finds a way to heal.

Bottom Line Health spoke with Karyl McBride, PhD, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in treating adult children of narcissists. Her insights…

PINPOINT THE PROBLEM

As the daughter of a narcissist myself, I know too well how we internalize negative messages about ourselves. Our poor self-image affects our career choices, friendships and other family relationships. Typically we become self-critical high achievers bent on proving that we are good enough…or we sabotage ourselves, fulfilling our mothers’ vision of our inadequacy by giving up on ourselves.

Good news: A three-step process can help you recover, whether or not your mother is still alive. (I am currently researching how narcissistic mothers and fathers affect sons. While men’s experiences do differ from women’s, many of my male clients say that they relate to the concepts discussed below.)

Step one is to recognize the situation.

The basics: A narcissistic mother is unaware of her child’s needs and desires…discounts her child’s feelings as unimportant compared with her own…and ignores or makes unreasonable demands of her child. According to the American Psychiatric Association, there are 1.5 million American women with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, plus millions more on the narcissism spectrum who are less severely self-absorbed but still selfish enough to do significant damage.

Self-help: To determine if your mother’s behavior falls (or fell) on the spectrum, see “Is Your Mother a Narcissist?” below. If you decide that the answer is yes, follow the next two steps.

GRIEVE YOUR LOSS

Growing up with a narcissist means that your feelings often were ignored, so you learned to squelch them. Now you must get in touch with your emotions in order to move past them. This is step two.

Self-help: In a journal, write down memories involving your mother—old ones, recent ones, whatever bubbles up—and explore the long-buried emotions that surface. Acknowledge your shock at discovering that your mother couldn’t love you… your rage at being neglected… and ultimately, your acceptance that there is nothing you can do or could have done to turn her into a “normal” mother.

Next: You must grieve the ideal mother you didn’t have and the cherished child you didn’t get to be.

Self-help: Buy a doll that resembles you as a child. Use her to get in touch with the little girl inside you—in effect, to mother yourself. (This may sound silly—but it works.) Hug the doll often…talk to her lovingly…ask her what she missed out on and what she needs from you now. Let her be a reminder to you to nurture yourself.

REFRAME THE RELATIONSHIP

Normally, a child grows up and away from her parents to form a healthy sense of self. But: The daughter of a narcissist gets stuck in the little-girl phase of trying to win her mom’s approval… or she remains engulfed by her mother’s incessant demands.

Step three is to separate psychologically from your mother or her memory. Part of this process is to eradicate your negative internal messages.

Self-help: In your journal, record your self-critical thoughts — “I’m lazy…nobody loves me.” Then list evidence that disproves these accusations — “I work hard…I have dear friends.” Do this whenever a negative message pops into your mind and you’ll begin to think more positively about yourself.

If your mother is alive, to protect yourself, you also must redefine your current relationship. Options…

The ideal scenario is to set healthy boundaries that allow you to interact with your mother while staying true to yourself.

Examples: If she says, “Your hair is a disaster,” you reply “I’m comfortable with my hairstyle.” If she insists, “You must visit me every day,” you counter with, “My schedule allows only for weekly visits.” Whenever she tries to put you down or impose on you, stand up for yourself—calmly and consistently—until she gets the point.

If your mother is severely narcissistic, it may not be possible to have a relationship that goes beyond mere civility. Relinquish futile attempts to become close…keep conversations light and polite…refuse to be sucked into her dramas.

With an extremely toxic relationship, you may need to sever contact, at least for a while. If this is the only way to be free of abuse, there’s no reason to feel guilty.

For professional help: Consult a psychologist or clinical social worker who understands family systems theory, which examines dysfunctional behaviors in a patient’s family of origin.

Referrals: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 703-838-9808, AAMFT.org.

Best: A compassionate female therapist who is older than you can serve temporarily as the nurturing role model your mother never was…and help you navigate the road to recovery.

IS YOUR MOTHER A NARCISSIST?

The more affirmative answers you give to the questions below, the more narcissistic your mother may be.

Does (or did) your mother…

Divert discussions to talk about herself?

Compete with or act jealous of you?

Manipulate or control you?

Blame, shame or criticize you?

Do things for you only when others are watching?

Insist that you take care of her?

Diagnosis aid: For more questions, visit www.nevergoodenough.com to take the quiz “Does Your Mother Have Narcissistic Traits?”

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