Valentine’s Day is around the corner and you are probably pondering a gift that would please — chocolates, roses, perhaps something sparkly. However, a superior gift for your loved one might be something that doesn’t come wrapped or in a box… but is badly needed and sorely lacking in this world. The gift I have in mind is the ability to make apologies that are honest, effective and true. These are not ordinary. Done correctly, apologies are a way of demonstrating heartfelt emotions that honor other people and enrich your relationships.
This may sound strange… after all, it doesn’t take much to say “I’m sorry.” But as life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander explains, few people understand what goes into a true apology, or its meaning and purpose. Apologies can turn into tit-for-tat scorekeeping in a relationship, but that diminishes their real usefulness, as well as their effect. “People underestimate how important and moving it is when a person actually recognizes and apologizes for bad behavior,” says Lauren. “Logic would tell you that admitting to a shortcoming or failure is a sign of weakness, but the opposite is true when it comes to matters of intimacy. A true apology makes you a more powerful force in your relationship. The challenge is being strong enough to see the error of your ways and admit to yourself and your loved one that you may in fact not be perfect.”
People apologize a lot, but typically these are a form of protocol, a way of getting off the hook. Furthermore, an apology between two people who are close typically includes the words, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” or “I am sorry you feel that way.” That’s not really acceptable, says Lauren who calls these words examples of the “me-me, I-I problem.” The reason: They are, in fact, defensive strategies and a sure sign you are not really sorry at all. The words do not acknowledge or respect how the event in question felt to the other person — instead they focus on how the event was for you. As an example, your spouse says you did something that embarrassed him. You might immediately think — and say — “I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” but your intent is not the issue. What matters here is your action and that it did embarrass your spouse — this is simply and honestly how he felt and you were the cause of it. The true apology then is to say, “I apologize for… ” Whether it is having embarrassed him or being insensitive or late, an apology needs to acknowledge the cause of the problem. You might also add, “I can see why my [words or actions] felt that way to you.” It is important to realize that in all likelihood you didn’t intend to hurt or embarrass the other person — however, in truth, you did hurt him/her. And, because you did, your apology must lovingly address this. It will if it echoes back what was hurtful.
Apologizing in a way that acknowledges the cause of the other person’s hurt may sound simple, but it isn’t. First you need to develop a quality that makes it possible to apologize with honesty, what Lauren and her team of coaches at the HandelGroup call the ability of “cop-to-it-iveness.” This describes the willingness to recognize, accept and tell the truth about your shortcomings, bad behaviors and habits. Unfortunately, says Lauren, few of us are good at copping to our own bad ways — the need to protect ourselves is too strong. Often, people use defensive strategies to cover up their motivations and actions, as in “I only do that because you do — [fill in the blank] — and so it’s really your fault.” People fear, too, that admitting to bad behavior puts them in the vulnerable position of having it later thrown at them or being made to pay for it somehow. So they end up apologizing, but in words that imply it is the other who is wrong by feeling hurt or embarrassed (after all, you “didn’t mean” it). This lets you view him not as being upset but rather as “being silly” or even “ridiculous,” and then add it to a list of grievances that drives an even deeper wedge between the two of you.
In truth, all of us — no exceptions — have foibles, bad behaviors and habits. It is the human condition and it is paramount for us to recognize that we, too, are capable of being rude, insensitive, selfish and more. Rather than feeling bad about “being caught” at your own imperfect behavior, your follow-up apologies can benefit you as well as the other person and provide striking opportunities for personal growth.
Lauren staunchly believes people should be apologizing regularly, indeed often. Here is why: The behaviors you have that call for an apology are in a narrow range. Perhaps you are perpetually late or you cut people off mid-sentence or you fail to phone after you promise you will. Being called on these repetitive actions is instructional — it clearly signals the need to correct something in you or in the relationship. How often you need to apologize is a way to monitor your behavior and to evaluate for yourself how well you are evolving. It may be upsetting to you (and annoying to the other party) to have to apologize repeatedly for the same behavior, but change is difficult to accomplish and each apology demonstrates that you are showing improvement — or at least awareness of the need to change. At the same time, you are adding value to your relationship in the acknowledgement that you see and accept the other person’s feelings.
Apologies offered regularly and meaningfully show you do indeed pay attention to how you behave with others, including those you love most. “When done with integrity, saying you are sorry is a form of self-management that displays true regard for other people,” says Lauren. “It really works and is healing — for you and your relationships. And besides, it feels really good.”
