Have you ever considered whether or not you are living in the right place for you? I don’t mean where the most job options are…or where your family is…or in your dream house. I mean, what is the right location for your nature? Where is your “zone”?
I’ve observed this for a while, but after vacationing with my husband a few weeks ago and watching him in several busy, crowded cities and then in quiet mountain settings, I decided to share my theory—I believe that we each are programmed for different types of environments that are in harmony with our souls and styles. Not living in that optimal zone creates a low-level chronic stress that quietly eats at our neurological system and slowly impacts our mood and happiness. It may not even be noticeable until we’re in the “right place,” at which point the difference becomes crystal clear.
I first noticed this the summer after my older daughter started attending sleepaway camp in the Rocky Mountains. She was 11, and we went on a family hike a few days before camp drop-off. As she stepped onto the trail, I saw a visible shift in her—she relaxed in the quiet of nature and, at the same time, became excited by the activity and adventure of the hike. It’s not like she got taller or started talking in weird tongues. She simply let down the protective guard that kept her safe in our fast-paced suburban Connecticut town where she had to deal with the social pressures of a competitive population operating at a different pace and intensity than those in the mountains. A mountain girl had been awakened at camp.
I saw it again eight years later when my husband, Ron, and I had a two-year commuter marriage. I was in Connecticut, while he lived back in his home state of Colorado. We talked daily but saw each other only once a month. Each time I visited him, I saw that his face was relaxed and that he was chattier than usual. You can make all the jokes that you want about him being away from his intense wife, but no…the pace of the mountains, the calmer traffic, the gentler social interactions all are more in keeping with his own biological rhythms. Ron has since returned to Connecticut, and he talks repeatedly about the toll that the chronic traffic and noise of the East takes on him. When we drive to New York City, he needs decompression time when we return home. The difference in Ron’s “happy place” was so clear when we were away recently. It was like I was vacationing with two different people—one who was tense in the crowded bustling cities and the other peacefully hiking and taking photographs in the mountains and meandering along the empty back alleys of Venice.
We’ve all heard about the country mouse and the city mouse. I believe we are like those mice. Some like the quiet, while others like the pace and intensity of city life. Of course, there are other subtleties to finding the environment that best suits you. Do you want to be remote with no one for miles…or is it important to have someone from whom you can borrow a cup of sugar or you can call upon to walk the dog in a pinch? What about access to cultural activities? Or being landlocked versus having access to water?
I have a friend who commutes about two hours to work each way. I asked him recently why he does that since his children are now grown and out of the house, and both he and his wife have lives centered in areas away from their hometown. Answer: He loves his home and its location. It has a wonderful view and plenty of open space. For him, having access to the city but living remotely is the right balance for his soul.
Bottom Line Personal has written many articles about how to choose where to retire, and we focus on very pragmatic items such as proximity to health care, mass transit and family. But no one talks about being in the place that fits with who you are as a person, nor does anyone talk about finding the right place for the 40+ years before your retirement. I believe this is a crucial part of finding true peace and happiness. The big question in my mind is, What is the physical and emotional impact of being out of your zone over an extended period of time? The impact of chronic subtle stressors on our bodies is well-documented. The danger is that if you’re not in your right zone, you may not even realize why you perpetually feel a little unhappy or a little bit stressed or a little bit angry. Instead you simply chalk up your tension to the pressures at work or family obligations or that extra glass of wine you drank last night.
When I speak to young adults about their career aspirations, I always ask them about the type of environment they want to be in on a day-in-day-out basis. Big versus small. Quiet versus active. I personally can’t think of anything worse than being on a trading floor or sitting elbow-to-elbow in “bench seating” as is the case in so many new-age companies. That said, many people thrive with the noise and hustle and bustle.
Identifying the right work environment is a piece of figuring out the right zone for your life. What do you want the timbre of your family life to be? Will your kids be programmed with playdates and a running schedule of activities? Will there be time for family dinner each night?
Finding your zone may take some trial and error. It definitely will require being aware of your moods and sensitivities at different times and in different places. And if you find that you’re not currently in the right zone, it may take courage to make a change. There may be cultural pressure to fit a mold based on your family or friends, but this is about finding the environmental fuel that is right for your health and happiness.
