A friend’s son was just offered an
exciting promotion at work. He is relatively low on the totem pole of his
global tech company, and he has been there only a short while. But during that
time, he has managed to connect with and become the “answer man” for many
people across the organization.
It was a big deal when he was
tapped for a promotion by senior management. So then why—with many reasons to
feel proud and excited about the offer—did he let a single comment from his
current manager totally demoralize him and make him question his ability to
handle the new role? The manager’s comment? “I don’t think you’re ready for
this promotion.”
What the boss was really saying—“You’ve
come a long way, but you still have more to learn in your current role.”
What my friend’s son heard—“You
are not ready for this promotion. You don’t have the right background for it,
and you are going to fail.”
This young man had dozens (maybe
even hundreds?) of data points attesting to his value to the company. He
received phone calls regularly from people asking for his help and thanking him
for saving the day. And yet, just one comment from one person…and all of those
phone calls, kudos and thank yous went out the window. He believed that voice of
insecurity in his head instead of the many data points he had accumulated.
In the movie Pretty Woman, Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts, a down-on-her-luck prostitute, that she is a
very bright, very special woman. Her reply—“The bad stuff is easier to believe.
Did you ever notice that?”
What’s with us? Some call it
“imposter syndrome” in which otherwise competent and intelligent people are
riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. But in her upcoming book, Good
Morning, I Love You, Shauna Shapiro, PhD, explains “negativity bias” as
something that is rooted in early mankind when it was critical for human beings
to be on high alert and insecure for fear that a wild animal would attack
them.
I spoke to Dr. Shapiro last week—and read her book this past weekend—in preparation for an upcoming podcast with her. Negativity bias is one of the most pervasive elements of human behavior, and yet experts rarely provide solutions for it. Instead most people—women, in particular—are stuck in their own version of Julia Roberts’ character, Vivian, eagerly accepting themselves as never “enough.” But that would be untrue.
The fact is, not being good enough
is not a fact. Nor is it truth. It is the long-term version of our
preprogrammed evolutionary roots to remain on high alert for danger in all
forms and to focus on the negative…combined with a lifetime of reinforcing
those fears and perceptions. Since “practice makes perfect” in all forms, our
constant focus on the negative reinforces those negative reactions and
hardwires the fight-or-flight response in our brains and our bodies. We have
become expert at viewing ourselves and our world through the lens that we are
not enough.
Ouch! What a sad and self-destructive
way to live.
The good news, according to Dr.
Shapiro, is that negativity bias does not have to be a life sentence thanks to the
concept of neuroplasticity—our brain’s ability to create new pathways
and connections. We simply have to mindfully change our perceptions and our
reactions and, over time, create new pathways.
OK, if it were so simple, we would
all do it, right? Well, yes, it does take some emotional commitment…a whole lot
of repetition…and time to shift a lifetime’s worth of autonomic and ingrained
responses. But it’s doable and, honestly, not really all that hard.
There are three core elements to
counteracting our negativity bias…
Intention: Research has shown
that simply setting the intention to be happier actually makes people happier, and
that in turn sets up new pathways in the brain and gets all of those “happiness
synapses” firing. Throughout life, we go where we focus. We have a running joke
in our family—when my husband first dragged me to ski among the trees, he told
me not to focus on avoiding trees (which makes you look at the trees), but
instead to focus on skiing in the spaces. Well, when it comes to intention and
happiness, if we shift our focus from our shortcomings and fears to creating positive
outcomes and successes, our body follows.
Attention: Take that intention
and focus on it…for 20 seconds because that’s the minimum amount of time required
to install an experience into our long-term memory.
Attitude: Make those positive
experiences vivid. See the details. Deeply feel the pride and well of emotion
when you complete a task successfully or when someone thanks you for your
efforts. We need to bathe ourselves in the good feelings rather than glossing over
them on our way to the next fearful task.
And practice it all. Again, we are
looking to overcome a lifetime of negativity and fear, which means that it will
take repeated and conscious efforts to allow ourselves to feel the happiness as
easily and readily as we feel criticism. Dr. Shapiro offers a number of
behaviors that can be practiced each day in order to enjoy our positive
emotions and physiological responses. My favorites…
- Smiling meditation: Simply smile—literally. Even if
it’s forced at the start or you simply put a pencil between your teeth—smiling
releases happy chemicals in your body.
- Be generous: Do something nice. It feels good. It doesn’t have to be big. Compliment
someone. Hold open a door. Give another driver your parking space. Surprise
someone with flowers.
- Pay attention to awe and wonder: Enjoy a dazzling sunset or
sunrise…waves in a stormy ocean…dogs playing in the park…a toddler’s delight at
learning a new skill. In my family, we regularly call one another to come look
at an incredible sunrise or sunset…and when our dog does something irresistibly
adorable. Take a moment to feel the feelings that go along with simple yet awesome
experiences rather than rushing past them. We are surrounded by these moments
if you just open your eyes and heart to them.
Given the choice, we would all far prefer to live in a happy place than an unhappy one. Well, the truth is that we have that choice, and we can live in that happy place. It just takes 20 seconds to start the journey.
Sarah Hiner, president and CEO of Bottom Line Inc., is passionate about giving people the tools and knowledge they need to be in control of their lives in areas such as living a healthier life, the challenges of the health-care system, commonsense financial advice and creating great relationships. She appears often on national radio and hosts the Bottom Line Advocator Podcast, where she interviews leading experts to help people be their own best advocates in all areas of life.