I remember
multiple occasions when my mother-in-law said that she would never move to
Phoenix even though her two sons and their families lived there—Colorado was
her home, and she didn’t like the heat in Phoenix.
But then my
father-in-law died. They had been inseparable for nearly 30 years, best friends
and life partners who loved visiting her kids in Phoenix…us in Connecticut…and
my husband’s siblings in California. We all made frequent visits to Denver as
well, so it all worked…until it didn’t.
After my
father-in-law died, Denver didn’t look the same nor did it provide the same
support for her anymore. My mother-in-law had a number of friends in Denver and
family two hours south, but her heart was broken and this was not going to be
enough of a support system on a day-to-day basis to help her rebuild her life
as a widow.
A few months
after the funeral, she returned from a visit to Phoenix and declared that she
had purchased a house there…but she would live there only in the winter months.
Fast-forward two-and-a-half years, and aside from missing her husband every
minute of every day, she is thriving, living close to her sons and their
families, and with a large group of friends in her neighborhood. I just visited
her there this past weekend. I got to spend spent time with my “siblings” and
met mom’s warm and welcoming group of friends. She is busier and more social than
I have seen her in decades.
We all shudder to
think of what her life would be like now if she had stuck to her guns and
refused to move to Phoenix.
Another
example of never saying “never”: When I met my
husband, he was “never“ getting married or having children. Thirty-two years
and two children later, thank goodness he didn’t die on his sword for that presumption.
I frequently
coach young people on the importance of keeping options open in life. The
better they do in school, the more options for careers. The more activities
they try when young, the more chances they have to discover their passions. The
more job interviews they go on, the more they learn about the career path they
want to choose. Options…options…options.
But drawing a
line in the sand and insisting that you will never do something hurts
only you. It’s the proverbial “cutting off your nose to spite your face.”
Imagine where we
would be if our Founding Fathers believed that we could never be free of
Britain’s rule…or people laughed at President Kennedy and insisted that we
would never be able to put a man on the moon…or Reagan and Gorbachev couldn’t
see that it was time for the “forever” Berlin Wall to come down
I recently
started watching the PBS-TV series Downton Abbey. I had to find out what
all the hype was about. Among other things, the show is a continuous exercise
in breaking down the “nevers” of the British aristocracy. A child would never
marry a commoner…the family would never dress casually for dinner…the lord’s
land would never be self-sustaining financially…his lordship’s daughters would
never hold jobs. These may seem like small, silly examples, but across the
seasons of the program (I am currently in season four out of six), the family
has had to loosen its rules and change its outlooks toward assorted laws of
behavior to accommodate a changing social structure. We can’t move forward from
behind the wall of “never.”
Taking unwavering
positions can have its benefits certainly. Commitment to a goal and life values
help guide a life—Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr.…all figures
who were never going to stop until the world was a more loving, equitable
place. Their “nevers” were in support of their higher mission and vision. Too
often, in our daily lives, we have “nevers” that limit our growth—I can
never stop smoking or give up ice cream…I can never change careers…I can never
find the perfect love mate…I can never leave an unhappy marriage.
I have a silly
personal rule—I will never visit places in the world that require special
vaccines or medications. I say that now but if a loved one had traveled to one
of those places and was in need of assistance, I would be first in line to do
what I needed to get there.
Live by your principles. Understand your values. But beware of the false limitations you lock yourself into by never being open to the possibilities of another solution.
Sarah Hiner, president and CEO of Bottom Line Inc., is passionate about giving people the tools and knowledge they need to be in control of their lives in areas such as living a healthier life, the challenges of the health-care system, commonsense financial advice and creating great relationships. She appears often on national radio and hosts the Bottom Line Advocator Podcast, where she interviews leading experts to help people be their own best advocates in all areas of life.