I had an incredible lunch last week with my husband, sister-in-law and mother-in-law at an amazing restaurant for salads and burgers, Hillstone in Denver. The food and service were both outstanding, and we noticed how well-groomed all the servers were, with their hair either cut short and gelled or tied back in crisp buns or braided ponytails. They looked unusually professional in contrast to the waitperson at the previous restaurant we had eaten at, where we were served by a man with messy hair wearing a one-shouldered sleeveless top with all of his tattoos on proud display.
As we
left the restaurant, I was surprised to see a dress-code card on display at the
hostess stand…
To enhance the experience of
all of our guests we ask that you respect our dress code. We suggest collared
shirts for gentlemen. We consider tank tops, overly provocative clothing,
boldly logoed athletic attire, and flip-flops too informal for the dining
experience we plan to provide. We do not allow gentlemen to wear hats in the
dining room. Your comfort is our priority: however, we do not feel that overly
casual attire is appropriate for dining in our restaurant.
Is it
possible that someone has the courage to say “no” in our don’t-hurt-anybody’s-feelings
society? That the owners of Hillstone have the “audacity” to proudly say that there
may be some who are not welcome in a world that is rapidly homogenizing our
very existence by forcing, either through law or social pressure, acceptance of
all-comers anywhere anytime, qualified or not. Hillstone wasn’t rude about it.
The owners simply and respectfully stated their rules for acceptable behavior
and welcomed those who choose to follow those rules to participate.
I am
not a believer in segregation. I am a believer in equal opportunity. I am not a
believer in complaining that someone won’t play with you…let you into his/her
club…or include you in his activity. During my school years, I was not included
in certain cliques or activities. I found other groups and activities. Same
with my children. As an adult, my husband and I had to go through the
application and acceptance process for admittance to our sailing club…and if
we ever get good enough at golf, we may choose to go through the same process
again, searching for an environment that “fits” us, both physically and
socially, and understanding that not all clubs will be the right fit. Sometimes
you’re not invited to the party. It may hurt, but then again, do you want to go
to a place where you do not fit in?
Or worse, do you want to put people at risk, all in the name of protecting someone from being told “no”? A friend’s daughter was captain of her college club ski team. When an unqualified skier wanted to join the team, she could not be refused, because it was “club.” However, there were multiple instances in which this young woman put other skiers at risk due to her lack of racing skills. Similarly, last year in Hanover Park, NJ, a mom complained when her daughter didn’t make the elite cheerleading squad. In response, the school board changed the rule to include all 11th– and 12th-grade cheerleaders no matter their skill level. Its decision was about inclusion, but my concern is something a little different. Besides sending the message that extra effort is not required to those who had practiced and trained, the decision put the team at risk for injury. It meant either risking the safety of unqualified team members who were participating in a dangerous and technical sport or reducing the team’s performance level in order to choreograph to the lowest skill level in order to keep all participants safe.
It is OK to have standards of excellence. It is OK to have rules of order. It is OK to have elite groups. We are not all elite at everything. I am 5′ 4″ and will never be a center on a basketball team. Nor do I have the appropriate skills or talent to launch satellites, decorate wedding cakes or perform an appendectomy, let alone open-heart surgery. But others have those skills.
High
standards and specialization have allowed societies to evolve and prosper. In the beginning, people were generalists—they all hunted and gathered. But as groups formed, people
found that individuals had different skill sets. Some were great
hunters, some were good at creating stone tools, while others were healers or
hut builders. These individuals had shared interests.
Fast-forward to today when putting together a group of like-minded people who
share interests and ideas allows them to create exciting things together. That’s
what user groups throughout the technology industry are made for. It is not
elitist or exclusionary to form groups. It’s simply camaraderie and connection. We cannot continue to excel as a
society if we do not have standards and expectations that must be met. If
anything is acceptable, then there is no need to strive for improvement.
Instead we slide into mass mediocrity at best—and mass failure at worst.
Of course, that means that sometimes we
will be held accountable to those standards. And sometimes extra effort will be
required. And sometimes things won’t go as we desire. Just because we want
something to go our way, does not mean it does.
There was an Off-Broadway show that I saw many years ago called Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You. In it was a life-changing line for me. Sister Mary was reading a series of “Questions for the Sister” and then given answers, as though it was an audience Q&A.
Question: “Does God
answer all of my prayers?”
Answer: “Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.”
It’s up to each of us to chart our courses and make our choices, understanding that sometimes the answer will be “no.”
Sarah Hiner, president and CEO of Bottom Line Inc., is passionate about giving people the tools and knowledge they need to be in control of their lives in areas such as living a healthier life, the challenges of the health-care system, commonsense financial advice and creating great relationships. She appears often on national radio and hosts the Bottom Line Advocator Podcast, where she interviews leading experts to help people be their own best advocates in all areas of life.