“What do you want to have for dinner?”
“I don’t know.”
How many times have we all had that conversation?
Sometimes not knowing what to have for dinner is simply that—not
knowing what you feel like eating or being embarrassed that you actually want
to eat tacos…again.
It seems like a silly little thing, but for many people, simply
making a decision regarding what to eat or what to wear can be an overwhelming
task as pressure to make the right decision—or fear of making
a wrong decision—takes over. As you step up the decision ladder,
the gravity increases…
What should I wear for my first day of the new job?
Where should we go on vacation? What flights should we take? What
hotels should we stay at?
Which car should I buy?
Pretty tame…no enormous long-term repercussions.
Should I accept this job offer?
What college should I go to? What should I major in?
What color should we paint the bedroom? Bathroom? House?
Bigger implications—the wrong decision may come with significant
consequences that may cost some money. But nothing that can’t be fixed.
Then there are the biggies…
Should I get [re]married? Is he/she “the one”?
Should we have children?
Should I have [fill in the blank complicated and/or expensive
treatment] for a medical condition?
Should we get divorced?
As a business leader and a parent, I have made—and continue to
make—a lot of decisions every day. And it’s been fascinating to watch others
make decisions and see the ties between their decision-making skills and their
personality and experience. In the book Blink, author Malcolm Gladwell
talks about analytic versus intuitive decision making. Neither method is right
or wrong. It depends on the circumstances. To me, the real problem is the
struggle that many people suffer through on their way to making a decision.
Through the years, I have observed all sorts of decision makers,
among them… (Note: These are my own categories and observations. If
others have used similar terms, that is purely coincidence and my descriptions
may be different from theirs.)
Pleasers prefer to let others
decide. Is it because they really are being that generous in wanting to defer
to the preferences of others? Or is it that they don’t believe that they are
worthy of having a choice in a situation? I just edited an article with
psychotherapist Dennis Portnoy for future publication about the underlying circumstances that
make people pleasers—they often come from difficult environments where they
thought that keeping the peace would make everything OK. When it comes to
making decisions, pleasers would rather demure than risk creating tension among
others who may be affected by the decision.
Bet-hedgers have a fear of missing
out on some better option. In modern lingo, that concept is referred to as FOMO
(fear of missing out). As it applies to decision making, bet-hedgers may lean
toward a decision but have a hard time pulling the trigger because they
continue to search and find backups in case something falls through or
something better comes along. There’s nothing wrong with having a Plan B. Just
don’t let it get in the way of Plan A.
Perfectionists can be paralyzed when it
comes to decision making. They are smart…perhaps too smart for their own good.
And they are desperately fearful of making a mistake…so fearful that they will
stall and spin and reanalyze an issue to death until either someone else makes
the decision for them or they are forced to pick an option. Their decision will
come with extensive disclaimers and explanations—just in case it’s proved wrong
later. Even after the decision is made, perfectionists may continue to muse and
worry that they made the wrong decision.
By-the-seat-of-their-pants people “go for it.” They are not distracted by too many facts or
details. Rather, they prefer to go with their gut and simply choose.
Throne-of-experience decision
makers generally are older people who synthesize all options and
repercussions from assorted angles, both data-driven and emotional. They
generally do their research and think through the options. But unlike the bet
hedgers or perfectionists, those who decide from the thrown of experience
actually come to a quick conclusion. With age and experience come the ability
to consolidate information and the confidence to make a choice.
The good news is that no matter what someone’s
innate decision-making profile is and barring any deep emotional challenges,
age improves decision-making skills. We have more information in our mental
computers to help analyze each situation. We learn to create decision trees, if-then
statements, SWOT analyses and myriad other analytic protocols. We have more skills that
allow us to adapt if a decision goes awry. And perhaps most important, we see
later in life that what we feared when we were young either didn’t happen or
didn’t matter.
Dr. Marc Agronin, geriatric psychiatrist at Miami Jewish Health in Florida and author of How We Age: A Doctor’s Journey into the Heart of Growing Old, has recorded several podcasts with me and been featured in articles in Bottom Line Personal about the gift of wisdom that older people have.
What should you major in
in college? The vast majority of adults start out in
careers that have nothing to do with their majors. For the life of me, I can’t
figure out why schools and parents continue to put so much pressure on choosing
the “right” major when they all know perfectly well how little it matters.
What color should you
paint your room? In the 25 years we have
lived in our house, we have painted our dining room four different colors
because several we tried ended up simply being wrong. We repainted. It didn’t
matter.
Should I marry him/her? Honestly…if the decision is that difficult to make, then the
answer is probably “no.”
No matter what your decision style, the universal requirement is to
make a darn decision. The act of “not deciding” means you will never move forward—and
if you think you won’t move backward by making no decision, you will be proved
wrong.
From my experience, rarely, if ever, is there a single right
perfect decision. There are many good options, and every one of them comes with
consequences.
I don’t think it’s either analytics or gut. I think it’s a
combination. Do the research. Analyze. Discuss. Get opinions. Meditate—check in
with your gut. You probably already have a feeling of what is right for you,
and the process of analysis primarily is validating your feelings.
Then decide. Countless articles have been written about the
importance of feeling in control of your life and the emotional distress that
feeling out of control creates. Not
making a decision places you in that victim
position. When given the chance to have control over your life and outcome, why
would you choose to hand over that power?
It takes courage to decide. It takes courage to change course, no matter if the change is big or small. And it takes courage not to let pride or fear hold you back from charting your path.
Sarah Hiner, president and CEO of Bottom Line Inc., is passionate about giving people the tools and knowledge they need to be in control of their lives in areas such as living a healthier life, the challenges of the health-care system, commonsense financial advice and creating great relationships. She appears often on national radio and hosts the Bottom Line Advocator Podcast, where she interviews leading experts to help people be their own best advocates in all areas of life.