My friend’s elderly father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago.

And at the time of this health crisis, he really needed her help.

Instantly, she dropped everything to help her dad in his hour of need. She accompanied him to every doctor’s appointment…visited him while he was in the hospital having surgery…and then cared for him while he recovered at home.

He has since fully recovered from the procedure and his cancer is gone. Yet he’s still asking her for help—more help than he truly needs at this point—and she’s frustrated.

“I don’t want to turn him down,” she told me recently, “but at the same time, I have a life and a family of my own that need my attention.”

To try to help my friend, I called Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist in private practice in Smithtown, New York. She gave me some valuable tips for easing the burden when people get “hooked” on your care…

THE DIFFICULTY OF ROLE REVERSAL

It’s normal for people to feel frightened and out of control when they are sick. Being taken care of and nurtured, especially by someone they love, makes them feel secure and not alone, said Dr. Serani. Who wants to let go of those comforting feelings?

But if you’re a caregiver and the person’s time of need has passed, it’s important for you to set boundaries so the person doesn’t (intentionally or unintentionally) take advantage of your kindness, she said.

Here’s her advice on what to do if you’re being stretched beyond your comfort zone…

Find a replacement. Think about the person’s needs. For example, if one of the main reasons the person calls you is because he or she feels lonely and just wants to talk, teach him or her how to Skype with others or sign him up for a bridge, book or movie club so he can make more friends. Or if he needs help (or says that he needs help) with certain chores, hire a high school student, neighbor or professional to assist with raking leaves, taking out the trash, picking up and delivering groceries or driving him around.

Set a phone call schedule. It can be hard to get calls from the person at all hours. Sure, it could be an emergency, but it’s more likely a simple request for help. So arrange specific times for phone calls that are convenient for you. For example, Dr. Serani likes “11 and 7” (as in 11:00 am and 7:00 pm)—those numbers rhyme and are easy to remember. Whatever times and frequency you two agree on, sticking to the schedule will cut down on interruptions. Also, if you get a call outside of the set time, you’ll know that there’s probably a very good reason for the call.

Help the person consolidate concerns. To cut down on calls asking you to take care of something, provide your loved one with an envelope or folder…then, if you do receive a non-emergency call that occurs outside of your usual set call times, politely ask your loved one to write down the request on a piece of paper and put it in the folder. If the call is about, say, deciphering an insurance statement or a bill of some kind, say, “Please put the statement in my folder and then call me about it at 11 or 7. I’ll be happy to help you then.” Eventually, the person will learn to put items straight into the folder without having to call you first, and you can deal with these items during your next scheduled phone call or visit.

Build confidence. Assign tasks to the person that you know he can accomplish successfully, because this will build his confidence and inspire him to do even more for himself. Say, for example, that your dad asks you to make sure that his newspaper delivery is canceled when he’s out of town visiting his brother. Look up the telephone number, give it to him and let him make the call. He may not be able to find the number easily if he’s not Internet-savvy, but once he has the number, he can arrange to have his paper held himself.

Be delicate with your phrasing. Choose your words wisely when you speak to the person—be positive and focus on the task at hand, not the person. For example, try saying, “I’m afraid I can’t help fix your chair right now,” rather than “I’m afraid I can’t help you.” Or say, “I’ll get to that next time,” instead of “I can’t do that right now.” This strategy will soften the blow and reduce hurt feelings.

Manage your own expectations. When you start providing less care, your loved one is likely to notice. So expect some push-back—the person could become angry, sad or resentful. In addition, you may feel guilty. Be prepared for these emotions. Remember that they are normal and that the intensity of the feelings will dissipate over time…so make sure that you are patient.

Pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself and recognize that you’re helping someone you love. You may not be getting any acknowledgement from the person you’re caring for, but you definitely deserve praise. As a reward for trying the tips above, why not treat yourself to something you want, such as a new electronic gadget or a weekend away with your partner?