I have a soft spot for reading books written by celebrities (what can I say? I’m a fan girl at heart!), and I have always been fascinated by the actress Marilu Henner, since she is one of only about 33 people in the world known to have something called highly superior autobiographical memory (HSAM), an ability that allows her to recall all—yes, all—the details of her life since childhood in vivid detail.

So I picked up a copy of her new book Total Memory Makeover: Uncover Your Past, Take Charge of Your Future.

What is truly eye-opening about her book is that it has little to do with her having a superior memory—it’s about how she has learned how to confront painful memories from her past, rather than run away from them.

In other words, it’s about something that you and I have the power to do!

And I think you’ll find, as I did, that her unique approach is quite helpful…in fact, it has made me want to embrace some distressing memories from my own past, so I can get over them and move on!

WHAT YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR MEMORIES

What Henner has learned is what most psychologists tout—that it’s important to quit trying to bury your painful memories and actually face them. Sometimes painful memories make us think of mistakes that we’ve made, while other times, painful memories evoke a feeling of being wronged or disappointed. But either way, there is almost always something that you can learn—ways to help prevent the same experience from happening again.

REMEMBER THE PAST TO UNLOCK THE FUTURE

The good news is that you don’t need to have Henner’s incredible ability to be able to retrieve those memories that are still hurting you in your current life. Here are some of her easy tips on how to dig them up and confront them head on…

  • Find a “sense-memory object.” The first step to living more happily and successfully today is remembering a painful event clearly. To evoke a strong memory, look at an object from a turning point in your life, such as a photo of yourself drinking too much at a party, or listen to a song that has a strong connection to your past.
  • Think deeply about how that moment made you feel. For example, if you find that photo of your drunken escapade, focus on how awful that hangover was the next day. Or if you’re listening to a song that you and your friends used to listen to while you smoked cigarettes, think about how disgusting your smoker’s cough was. Maybe an old poker chip that you keep in a drawer reminds you of the time that you lost thousands playing slots, and it forces you to remember how terrible it felt to argue with your spouse about all the lost money and how embarrassing it was to have to borrow from your in-laws. Perhaps staring at your résumé makes you think of how you interviewed for your dream job but didn’t get it—and it crushed your self-esteem. Henner knows a woman who reopened a bottle of perfume that she wore through a failed relationship in order to fully remember how badly that partner treated her.
  • Make a decision to change. After you’ve faced the painful memory—really faced it by walking through it mentally in all its gory detail—it will be easier to make the choice to never repeat the kind of mistakes that led you to that moment. In other words, you will find it easier to drink in moderation (or not at all)…to quit smoking…to stop gambling…to get more experience under your belt before applying for another dream job…and to consider your own well-being when choosing a partner.

In her own life, Henner went through a period during which she struggled with food choices and her weight. Because she so vividly remembers how much less healthy and energetic she felt during that time, today she eats better and maintains an optimal weight—and is much happier as a result.

AVOID FUTURE MISTAKES

Since we’re all likely to make new kinds of mistakes that we’ve never made before, Henner suggests keeping a journal. Record events in your life, and more importantly, the emotions and insights that go along with them. Is your relationship with your partner happy or rocky? What’s going on at work? How are you filling your spare time? By stepping back to observe and document your life, says Henner, you can see it more objectively and learn to make better choices both now and in the future.