Charles Duhigg
Charles Duhigg, writer with The New Yorker magazine and author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. He lives in Santa Cruz, California. CharlesDuhigg.com
Many people dislike chatting with acquaintances at social events because they think they are no good at small talk. “What do you do for a living?…Has the weather been rainier than usual?”—these are conversational dead ends that feel awkward and superficial, and after a few minutes, you can’t wait to escape. Pulitzer Prize–winning reporter Charles Duhigg, who makes a living talking to strangers, says you don’t need to be charismatic or naturally outgoing to click with people. Here are his five simple strategies to help you be more socially competent, put people at ease and make conversations more authentic and enjoyable…
Many of the topics we focus on when we have social conversations are informational, but the key to bonding with people isn’t to exchange the facts of our lives—it’s to share how we feel about our lives. Humans are genetically wired to connect this way. If you and the other person can each show a little vulnerability and expose a little of your true self, you each will feel heard and understood. Then even short conversations feel more worthwhile and satisfying.
Don’t start conversations by talking about yourself. That signals to the other person you aren’t really interested in him/her or you are an “oversharer.” Instead, research shows the fastest way to initiate a conversation with a stranger is to ask at least three “why” questions in a row. These questions are effective because most people like to talk about themselves if they sense you are genuinely curious. Example: Perhaps the other person says he just moved to town…
You: “Why did you move here?”
Him: “I retired early from my job.”
You: “Why did you decide to retire early?”
Him: “So I could play golf whenever I want to.”
You: “Why do you love golf so much?”
I don’t mean highly personal or intrusive questions that make people feel uncomfortable. Deep questions simply allow someone to express their beliefs, values, judgment and experiences. It’s easy to transform shallow questions into deep ones. Example: You meet a woman who tells you she’s a teacher. Instead of asking where she works or how long she has been teaching, ask a more emotionally revealing question—“Did you always want to be a teacher?” Asking deep questions naturally engages emotions and interest because you’re inviting people to share who they are and how they see the world.
If you want to really trigger an emotional connection, respond to what the other person says by revealing your own emotions. Often, it’s simply a matter of validating his feelings and showing you want to understand. Example: Someone tells you that his elderly father recently died. You say, “That must have been so difficult. My heart is breaking for you. What was your dad like?”
Alternative: You also can talk about how another person’s revelations make you feel. Example: A woman tells you how proud she is of her son’s achievements. You say, “I feel the same way. I have two teenage boys, and they are the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
Important: Sometimes a person may answer your questions but not seem interested in asking you any. That’s probably not because they don’t care, but rather they don’t want to say the wrong thing or are reluctant to pry. In those cases, try posing and answering your own question to reveal something about yourself. Example: You say, “It’s so interesting you became a teacher because of your experiences growing up. Do you want to know why I became a lawyer? When I was a kid, my uncle was always in trouble with the law.”
One of the biggest anxieties people have at social gatherings is how to move on to someone else without feeling awkward. Try the following: “I should really go talk to some other people. But before I let you go, let me just ask you one more question.” This signals in a gentle way to the other person that the conversation is winding down but you are enjoying connecting with him.
