Our social health has an enormous impact on our physical and mental health, yet it’s too often overlooked in our society. Yes, it’s harder making friends as an adult than it was when we were kids…but it’s not impossible. It just takes some effort. Here are some suggestions from social health expert Kasley Killam…

Do you need more friends?

As adults, much of our attention is on family and work commitments. We also are more discerning when it comes to friends, preferring quality over quantity…and that’s fine. Why put pressure on ourselves to have enormous groups of friends if we’re not lonely?

As a quick self-assessment, ask yourself these two questions…

  • Do I have friends to call on in times of need?
  • Do I have people to share quality time with when I feel like it?

If the answer to either question is no, you might want to consider making more friends.

Broad rule of thumb for good social health: The 5-3-1 Guideline—aim to interact with at least five different people each week…have at least three close relationships…and spend at least one hour a day connecting.

Why can’t I make friends?

Often, it’s because of our own self-limiting beliefs. Research shows there’s a significant “liking gap” for most people, meaning that we consistently underestimate how much others like us. If we doubt that others want to be our friends, it becomes very difficult to reach out, and our perceived unlikability can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We go into social settings with our guard up, interpreting social cues more negatively, and come away believing even more strongly that people don’t like us. It can be difficult to break out of that mindset, but you may want to consider therapy to help root out the origins of your limiting beliefs.

Friend-making strategy: If you’re wondering how to make friends in a new city or how to meet people during a new stage of life, an effective strategy is to do something you love with others. If you’re a hiker, join a hiking club. If you’re a reader, join a reading group. Volunteering is particularly effective, especially for retirees. Your new activities should be recurring and consistent, and you must be dedicated and patient. If you stick with it, the relationships will come.

Friend-making tactics: Once you’re in a social setting, it’s time to get tactical…

  • Be curious. Ask probing questions. Use the words, “Tell me more.” Expressing genuine curiosity about other people’s lives is one of the best ways to show them that you like them.
  • Be open. Self-disclosure works like magic in a relationship. We like the people we confide in, and we like the people who confide in us. Go beyond the surface, and don’t be afraid to share the more intimate or vulnerable aspects of your life.
  • Be intentional. At the end of the get-together, don’t just say, “We should really do this again sometime.” Put the next “date” on the calendar before you part ways.

Related Articles