We talk about the problems of peer pressure and bullying facing school-age children. But here’s the sad fact—as much as we would like to believe that peer pressure stops when we reach adulthood, it doesn’t, as evidenced by recent headlines of sexual harassment in the workplace. In my view, the big stuff is bad…but the “small stuff”—when adults demure to others—is where the problem starts. Stop that! You are the captain of your own ship.
Why am I writing about this now? Because I had two conversations during the past week with young adults who were feeling pressured by others and so felt unable to advocate for themselves in some way or another. We need to teach young people how to be true to their choices and beliefs and constructively speak up to people who would rather shut them down.
Conversation 1: I took two of Bottom Line’s college-age interns out to lunch. I was sad to hear both of them say that they were embarrassed to tell people their majors (one was sociology and the other was communications) because they thought they might be mocked. The communications major had even been told sarcastically by a professor, “Good luck getting a job in journalism.” Each of the interns told me that she had chosen her major because she enjoyed the subject and believed that it related to what she might want to do later on in her career. Yet both thought perhaps these majors were not technical or important enough or…who cares? These young women chose to study the subjects that interested them, and, for the record there often is little correlation between someone’s college major and what his/her eventual career path is.
Conversation 2: Our older daughter Callie’s job requires a fair amount of entertaining clients. But Callie is not a big drinker, and while she enjoys fine dining, she has limits to sitting charmingly at a dinner table for lengthy periods of time…just like her mother. Callie knows that entertaining is part of her job and that she must balance wining and dining with her personal preferences and values. She learned in college to confidently set her alcohol limits with a simple “No, thank you,” when asked if she wants another drink, and she has learned to do the same at wine tastings and other business cocktail events. As for the lengthy dinners, she still is working out how to navigate business obligations, social pressures and her desire to eat healthy food, go to bed early and work out early each morning.
These seem like small things, but if you can’t advocate for yourself on these, you’ll never be able to speak up and stick up for the bigger issues.
My husband started me thinking about speaking up for what you know is right for you and “captaining your own ship” almost 20 years ago when we were buying a sailboat. He took the boat out for a final test sail with several workmen before the sale closed. He was in unfamiliar waters, so in spite of what he saw on the charts, he trusted the workmen on the boat when they said that it was OK to motor outside the river’s marked channel. But then…BAM!…the boat hit a rock. Fortunately, there was no major damage, but the boat had to be pulled out of the water so that the underside could be checked. A costly mistake. Moral of the story: You are the captain of your vessel. Be it a boat or a car…or your life. It is yours to navigate and yours to determine the course. Ask questions. Gather information. Consider everything. But in the end, you make the decision.
These examples are about young adults, but older adults are put in awkward situations where they may be influenced by peer pressure or harassed by people with different opinions. In business, an endless array of possibilities works against individual integrity and mission. Callie’s having to play politics at dinner meetings is benign. But what if you’re asked to handle a financial transaction in a less-than-honest way? Or distort research findings for new products being developed or medical studies being performed? The list goes on. And it’s up to each individual to captain his moral ship.
Parents—how many times did you compromise your parenting beliefs in order to avoid a fight with your child or to prevent him from looking like the odd man out? Perhaps it was with regard to having a cell phone…seeing a popular age-inappropriate movie…participating in an activity that “everyone” else is doing…or forcing your child to attend the college of your preference or even attend college at all, just because that’s what everyone does?
The pressure to be socially acceptable is enormous, but at what price? Why should individuals feel pressure to conform merely for the sake of conforming? There is an infinite number of paths that can be taken by the billions of people living in the world, and all are right and all are wrong depending on the individual and the choices made. But it is your life…and your path. When people are interviewed at the end of their lives, so many wish that they had not conformed early on. They wish they had stuck up for what they knew to be right for themselves. But by then, it’s too late.
At the lunch with my interns, we practiced responses for each of them when someone challenged their choices. Here was my advice: Simply state that it’s what you wanted to do, but state it with conviction. If you don’t believe in your own choices, then no one else will believe in you, either.
Social pressure and peer pressure are powerful things at all stages of life. They are not just kid issues. We must teach our young people that it’s OK to make their choices, just as it’s OK for other people to have their own views and make their own choices. Most important is that it is their choice. Act with integrity. Be true to your values and visions. And be confident in stating that it is so.
You are the captain of your ship.
