After three decades of marriage, my friend Deborah got divorced. It was tough, as breakups tend to be. But at least she had plenty of company—the divorce rate among people age 50-plus has soared since 1990, going from about one in 10 to one in four.
Deborah soldiered through her midlife marital dissolution and emerged with some valuable insights about life and love. Now she’s wondering whether it’s time to jump back into the dating pool. When she posed that question to me, I gave her a copy of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce by Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist in New York City. Then I phoned Sussman to discuss the topic further.
Are you in the same situation as Deborah? If you haven’t yet recovered sufficiently from your heartbreak, dating isn’t likely to be very successful or satisfying, Sussman said—so you need to examine your emotions to determine your level of readiness.
Wait a while to date if you feel…
Fearful. If you’re terrified of being hurt again, you’re probably not yet ready to trust a new partner…and without trust, you can’t build a solid relationship. Self-test for fear: Write a draft of your profile as if for an online dating site, then analyze it honestly. When a client was perplexed that no one had asked her out, Sussman reviewed the woman’s online profile and found it filled with negativity. Instead of describing herself as the wonderful person she was, Sussman said, the client was telling prospective suitors that they “must be divorced (not separated)…fully over your ex…and have had therapy to work out why your last relationship failed so you won’t repeat the same mistakes with me.” Obviously the woman was afraid and needed to put more time into her recovery before trying to date.
Vengeful. This emotion could lead you to enter into a relationship with the first available guy—even if he’s wrong for you—because you’re more focused on hurting your ex than on building a new bond. Warning sign: You fantasize about how upset your ex will be when, for example, you post a picture of yourself and some new boyfriend on Facebook.
Depressed. When awash in negative emotions, you can’t be a fully contributing partner in a relationship. You need to work on yourself first, learning to boost your self-esteem and build a fulfilling life that doesn’t revolve around a partner.
If you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios above, hold off on dating while you think about who you are now and what you want your life to look like in the years ahead. Sussman’s recommendations: Read books on healing from a breakup…work with a therapist to gain insights into your character…strengthen your support system of platonic friends and family members…nourish your self, body and soul. These steps will lead toward emotional growth and healing, preparing you to embark on a quest for new romance when the appropriate time comes.
You’re ready to date if you feel…
Confident. You’ve done the work to understand your past relationship, figured out the part you played in the breakup, let go of resentment and created a satisfying life for yourself as a single woman—and now you want to add a new dimension to that life through the addition of a love relationship. Confirmation: Journal about the many attributes you have to offer to the right partner. When you feel nervous about your prospects, boost your confidence by rereading your journal.
Realistic. You know what a healthy relationship is and you’ve made a deal with yourself not to settle for less—no Peter Pans, commitment-phobes or control freaks. But you’re not in La La Land either, holding out for a movie star or millionaire. For clarity: Create an honest, practical list of qualities that you’re looking for in a partner at this point in your life. Show the list to a few trusted friends for feedback.
Open-minded. You understand that you’ll probably have to go out with a number of Mr. Wrongs before you find Mr. Right. You are willing to invest the time and effort…have the emotional stamina to endure some bad dates…and are prepared to handle feelings of dejection, rejection and frustration. Take action: Formulate a dating plan that includes joining an Internet dating site…signing up for new activities, such as classes or community organizations…and/or committing to saying yes when friends offer to fix you up.
As you reenter the dating scene…
Your first few dates will doubtless provoke some anxiety. To calm your jitters on the day of a date, spend time beforehand exercising, meditating, doing yoga or practicing deep breathing. During the date, instead of worrying, “Does he like me?” ask yourself, “Do I like him?” Also, have a “day-after” plan in place, Sussman suggested—something fun, such as an afternoon at the spa with a friend. That way, if the date didn’t go well, the next day’s outing will help you laugh it off…and if it was promising, you’ll have the benefit of your friend’s insights and support.
