Although grudges can cause great harm, they occur so often that many of us think of grudges as hardships that we’re obliged to endure. In fact, says Judge Barbara LeBey, ending grudges is often easier than people realize. Bottom Line/Retirement asked LeBey to share her strategies.
What exactly is a grudge?
It’s a feeling of resentment or ill will that one person harbors against another. In families, grudges often result from divorce, disputes over inheritances, sibling rivalry or quarrels over lifestyle, such as the choice of a spouse or accepting a gay person into the family. Inside and outside of the family, grudges can occur after arguments over politics, religion, sports or any other issue that arouses passion.
What’s the harm in holding a grudge?
Grudges create stress that can be physically and psychologically harmful. They also lead to estrangements. For instance, when a grudge keeps you from getting together with a cousin, it can have a ripple effect with other family members.
Holidays, birthdays and other family occasions can be ruined by the absence of the estranged loved one.
Work environments can also be affected by grudges. At the office, feelings of ill will can prevent two people from working effectively with each other. When that happens, they can both get a reputation for being difficult to work with — a trait that’s a handicap in the business world. Grudges are not worth the consequences.
What are the best ways to end a grudge?
If you’ve caused a slight — intentionally or otherwise — apologize, but don’t rehash. Instead, talk about subjects on which both of you agree or share an interest. If a topic arises on which you disagree, try to avoid expanding on that topic. Or, in a friendly way, agree to disagree. With politics, for example, say something like, “I disagree with the Republican (or Democratic) philosophy, but I respect your views.” Most people are eager to bury the hatchet.
If a friend, loved one or coworker won’t speak with you, you might ask for help from a third party. While a third party may not solve your dispute, he/she may open the door so that the two of you can get back together and resolve it. The third party, for instance, might know that the other grudge holder believes that you insulted him. As a result, he’ll likely suggest that you apologize.
For example, a pastor, rabbi or other religious leader can often help prevent lingering ill will in the case of divorces. Your house of worship can usually help you contact appropriate professionals to deal with disputes involving substance abuse, inheritances or a family business. Marriage counselors frequently have helpful advice on grudges involving in-laws.
As previously mentioned, rehashing is not a good idea.
Example: One divorced lawyer I knew had not seen his two sons for almost eight years because they sided with the mother. The father kept trying to meet with his sons to have lunch or dinner and talk.
His new wife cautioned him about meeting with his sons to talk about the problem. Instead, he invited his older son to be his partner in an amateur golf tournament. “We don’t even have to talk,” he said. The son, an avid golfer, couldn’t refuse.
During the tournament, they rarely spoke, but they came in first. Afterward, when they were putting their clubs in their cars, they looked at each other and then embraced. Later, they went to ball games with the other son, and all three eventually became good friends.
Similar strategies to break the ice are often just as successful — going to a movie, a block party or any other event that both parties enjoy.
What steps can you take to end a grudge before it causes serious harm?
Take action as soon as you sense that a relationship has soured. A good friend, for example, might stop keeping in touch or decline your repeated invitations. Call the person and suggest getting together. If he declines, point out that you haven’t seen each other in a long time. Come right out and ask, “Have I done anything to offend you?” You may discover that you unintentionally did slight your friend.
On the other hand, people’s interests often change. Maybe you and your friend used to go fishing together but now he’s taken up tennis. Or maybe the friend might not be eager to socialize because he has gained weight.
Again, that trusted third party can be of help. He might point out what the friend won’t tell you — that you forgot to invite him to your holiday party last year… or that he’s fallen on hard times and is embarrassed about a loan that he can’t repay.
But if the friend actually interpreted something you said as an insult, quickly explain that you meant no insult, and apologize for saying what you did. Don’t be concerned about who was right or wrong in interpreting your remark. The harm caused by a grudge nearly always outweighs the discomfort of swallowing your pride.
Sometimes it’s best not to continue a toxic relationship because the harm was too great and likely to last. To avoid holding a grudge and all the negativity that this implies, be polite. Tell the person that you need a lot more time to work through your feelings, and that maybe someday you and he can resume contact. But for now, it’s best to leave things as they are.
Result: You have addressed the problem with maturity and an element of hope. You’ve closed the door but you haven’t locked it.
