How to recognize the signs…and how to cope…

When most of us think of psychopaths, we imagine cold-blooded killers or con men who rob the elderly of their life savings without a qualm—deviant individuals we assume we have little chance of encountering. (True psychopaths make up only about 1% of the US population.) But did you ever suspect that there might be an almost-psychopath in your life?

What research is now showing: People known as almost-psychopaths are much more common—it’s estimated that they make up 5% to 15% of the population.

The traits that define psychopaths and almost-psychopaths have many possible causes, including genetics and/or dysfunctional family relationships. The symptoms can also signal an underlying illness, such as depression or bipolar disorder, or certain medical conditions, such as a brain tumor or thyroid disease.

Almost-psychopaths—whose problematic behaviors don’t quite meet the standard definition of a diagnosable disorder—may not wreak the havoc and harm of a true psychopath, but they can cause serious damage. And it’s essential to recognize them and know how to deal with them.

TELLING BEHAVIORS

Almost-psychopaths have many of the qualities of a true psychopath but to a lesser degree. For example, they have a strong sense of self-importance, but it’s not as pronounced as it is in the psychopath. Their capacity for empathy is severely stunted but not invariably defunct—they retain a glimmer of compassion for those with whom they have relationships or who can serve their needs. The stirrings of a conscience may be there, but it’s weak. They also are superficially charming, lie, con and manipulate and are expert at rationalizing their misdeeds and crafting excuses for their behavior.

However, almost-psychopaths often lack the fearless sense of invulnerability that powers true psychopaths. They feel they should be above the law but generally realize that they’re not and fear getting caught. This limits their capacity to hurt but also makes them harder to spot and adept at weaving a web of lies to cover their transgressions.

Unlike psychopaths, almost-psychopaths are capable of living more easily among the general population. Psychopaths may frequently be in prison for crimes, have a string of failed marriages and be estranged from their children while an almost-psychopath may, for example, be a grandiose coworker who routinely bends the rules at work or someone who serially cheats on his/her spouse.

THE RELATIONSHIP TRAP

Their easy charm and adept lies can get you involved with—and sometimes married to—an almost–psychopath. The sense that something is seriously wrong often develops slowly and uncertainly.

What helps: Keep a private and careful record of behaviors that concern you (such as betrayals, deceptions, examples of callous actions toward you or others, or any other behaviors described below) in order to determine if there’s a problem. This record can also be helpful to a psychotherapist should you consult one later.

Relationships with almost-psychopaths tend to be filled with conflict. They believe that their wants are more important than anyone else’s. There is typically a constant demand to accommodate the almost-psychopath’s needs and desires. Additionally, there can be chronic infidelities, excessive bragging, abruptly canceled plans and extravagant expenses.

Almost-psychopaths also excel at shifting blame, turning the tables and generating self-doubt and even guilt in those who question their honesty. How could you even think such things? There are numerous excuses and promises to change, given with a look of extreme innocence. Deceit and manipulation keep you perpetually off balance.

Unlike true psychopaths, almost-psychopaths can sometimes mend their ways—if they acknowledge their behaviors and want to change.

What to do if you think you’re living with an almost-psychopath:

• Acknowledge the problem and realize that there may be hope for improvement.

• Reach out to trusted friends or family members. Your gut instincts are probably on target, but it helps to get another person’s input and support.

• Talk to the almost-psychopath in a calm manner (if you feel comfortable doing so) about his behaviors. He may not be aware of them or may have grown up in a household where the behaviors were common.

• Track progress and have additional conversations. Once the lines of communication are open, further conversations are often easier.

• Seek professional help if there are ongoing concerns. Sometimes your best chance for improving the relationship is psychotherapy for your partner and/or couples therapy for both of you. Also advisable: A visit to a primary care physician, who can rule out medical conditions that may be contributing to the situation and/or provide a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist. If your partner won’t go to therapy, seek individual therapy to help you determine how to move ahead.

Warning: The threat of physical harm and/or psychological aggression is very real in a close relationship with an almost-psychopath. If a discussion leads to threats or outright violence, take steps to protect yourself—leave the situation and/or seek help from friends and, if necessary, law enforcement.

10 Key Signs of an Almost-Psychopath

1. He/she is superficially charming and glib.

2. There is a lack of empathy.

3. When confronted with a difficult moral choice, he more often than not arrives at a decision to act in his own self-interest.

4. He repeatedly lies, even when unnecessary and for minor reasons.

5. He is cunning and manipulative.

6. When criticized for something, it is always someone else’s fault.

7. When he causes harm to others, there is a lack of true remorse.

8. There is difficulty in maintaining relationships.

9. He finds it easy to ignore responsibilities.

10. People and situations exist solely for the purpose of gratifying his needs and wants.

Related Articles