Is it better to roll with the punches or to take a stand? The answer depends on the situation, but most people would benefit if they spoke their minds more often than they do. We tend to shy away from confrontation because we do not want to rock the boat… we worry about negative repercussions if we do… and we fear that we might be powerless to change things anyway.

What confrontation-avoiders fail to realize is that avoiding conflict can cause just as much trouble as voicing our complaints. When we feel wronged but say nothing, we encourage people to mistreat us again, and our suppressed unhappiness can bubble up in the form of acidic comments or unpleasant behavior, poisoning the relationship.

Example: A wife decides to take out the trash herself rather than confront her husband about his continual failure to do so. If the wife’s anger causes her to treat her husband poorly in the days that follow, she will create the ill will she had meant to avoid.

TO CONFRONT OR NOT

Neither your immediate emotional response nor your fear of repercussions should determine whether you stage a confrontation. Focus instead on your goals. Is a confrontation likely to bring you closer to your personal goals or move you further from them?

Example: A coworker arrives late for work each day. If your primary goal in this relationship is to remain friendly with your coworker, then a confrontation might not be appropriate… but if your primary goal is to get your work done and his/her tardiness affects your productivity, confrontation is warranted.

If your initial inclination is to avoid confrontation, consider these four questions before letting the matter drop…

  • Do I really believe that not having a confrontation is the best solution… or am I just afraid? We tend to choose the certainty of what has happened to us over the fear and uncertainty of what might happen if we tried to change things.
  • Do not assume your relationship will be damaged if you choose confrontation. When confrontation is handled properly, the risk is minimal.

  • Is my inaction rooted in a feeling of helplessness? When we conclude that a problem is insolvable or that a person is beyond our influence, we give ourselves an excuse for inaction. We usually do have the power to confront people over their misbehavior even when these people are in positions of authority.
  • Do I have lingering concerns? If a few days have passed but your unhappiness over the situation has not, it probably is better to confront the situation than to let your ill will linger, particularly if the situation involves someone you deal with regularly. Your tone and behavior are likely to betray your displeasure, even if you try to let the matter pass.
  • Is my conscience bothering me? Confrontation is called for if your conscience tells you that a situation is dangerous or unethical.
  • Example: You believe that members of the staff at the medical facility where you work are not washing their hands vigorously enough between patients.

    FIVE SIMPLE STRATEGIES

    These steps can increase the odds that your confrontations will lead to productive dialogue rather than anger…

    1. Assume the best. When we imagine nefarious motives behind people’s actions, our confrontations are likely to become emotional. Cull the self-righteousness and indignity out of your thoughts, and tell yourself it was an honest mistake.

    Example: When you assume the best of a line-cutter at the movie theater, you say things like, “I’m sorry, but were you aware that we’ve been standing here in line?” This presumption of innocence avoids an accusation and starts the conversation on the right foot.

    2. Think about how this person is like you. This should make you more understanding, reducing the odds that your confrontation will be taken as an attack.

    Example: If someone lies to you, consider occasions when you have been less than 100% forthright before confronting him.

    3. Gather the facts. Perhaps there were legitimate reasons why this person did what he did. Do what you can to find out before the confrontation.

    4. Ask for “permission” to raise the difficult subject, then present the situation factually and unemotionally. This minimizes the odds that this person will become defensive, improving your chances for a positive outcome.

    Example: “I wonder if we could talk about something that has been bothering me.”

    5. Invite dialogue. Ask, “What’s your position on this?” or “How do you feel about what I’ve just said?” after presenting your case. This turns criticism into conversation.

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