Who’s In Charge — You or Your Technology?

Zander on How Technology Steals Intimacy

Technology is magical and fantastic — it takes us to places we’ll never go… allows us to reconnect with high school pals or say “I love you” via text, e-mail, instant message (or all three)… and lets us watch, again and again, the sweet moments of a child’s first piano recital… and, if you’re so inclined, to share them with the world on Facebook or YouTube.

However, technology also tends to take over our lives, says Daily Health News contributor and life coach Lauren Zander, noting that all these devices have complicated much about our lives — even the single, simple and supposedly mindless act of relaxing. Watching your favorite sitcom on TV has turned into an exercise of “hit the mute button during commercials and do e-mail or text on your laptop or phone,” points out Lauren. Technology blocks our ability to live the good life by gulping up available time that could, and often should, be spent on other more productive activities… and by putting up a barrier that gets in the way of relationships and experiences that could otherwise be more enriching. Lauren and I discussed how to turn this around so that we all stay in charge of our technology… and not the other way around.

Who Has “Free” Time?

Lauren points out that free time is precious, in that it offers a special opportunity to follow pursuits that make life richer, including personal exploration or development. But who has time for these pursuits? “Most people would be embarrassed to admit how many hours they waste on technology,” she said, calling it the “ultimate distraction” and a “thief of intimacy.” The result is that people often are too busy surfing the Web, returning e-mails and the like, to be truly present in their relationships. The thriving Internet porn industry provides an extreme example of how this is so. “The anonymous nature of Internet porn allows people to let their dark side run amok,” says Lauren. “It is a way for people to think they are happy in their virtual world and to numb themselves to the disappointments they experience in their real relationships.”

But even those whose online activities are aboveboard fall prey to the seductive qualities of online communication and social media. Texting and e-mailing can be easy, straightforward and incredibly efficient ways to communicate — but doing so habitually means you end up only skimming the surface of a relationship. There’s no nuance of gesture, eye contact, tone of voice or physical connection to tell you how someone really feels. You get only a piece of the interaction, and it’s often the least important part.

Technology also is seductive in how it makes us feel so important and desired. Responding to the buzz of your cell phone or that ding announcing that a text message has arrived is — momentarily, at least — far more gratifying then listening to your elderly mother complain about her sore hip. But, of course, your eager response to the distraction leaves mom feeling left behind and unimportant. Occasionally emergencies really do require your attention, but when such interruptions become a pattern in a relationship, problems are likely to arise.

Be Here Now

Technology also can rob you of the joy of full engagement. If you’re taking a video of your grandson’s first at-bat of the season, your experience of the moment is restricted to the viewfinder — forever. Yes, you capture the moment so that you can enjoy it again and again. But you’ll miss lots, too — like how your own son is puffed up with pride (or anxiety), not to mention actually witnessing the richness of your grandson’s performance and relishing your own good feelings about it. Wouldn’t it be better to hand the camera to someone else so that you can be fully present for what’s happening, creating your own memories that will make the experience all the richer?

Putting the Leash on Technology

Far too many people have fallen into the habit of constantly accepting the siren call of communication tools and technology. To keep that from happening — or to stop the habit if you are already addicted — requires setting rules, says Lauren. This will “put a leash on the problem so technology serves you without stealing all of your life.” She has several simple suggestions…

• Assess exactly how much time you are devoting to technology and for what purposes. What is necessary, satisfying and life-enhancing… what is just killing time? What more rewarding activities could you be doing with that time instead? Lauren admits that she recently realized that she was no longer reading books — just e-mails, reports and other online content. “Reading feeds creativity and imagination and I’ve always loved it, but I hadn’t read a single book in two years! The problem wasn’t how busy my children keep me. It was that I had turned my free time over to my laptop — doing e-mails and surfing the Internet,” she says.

• Be mindful of what’s really happening. Remember that your life is not a photo album or a movie — those are mementos, not the point. If you’re spending time with your family, turn off the technology and enjoy yourselves.

• Set limits on how and when you use technology — and respect those limits. Lauren calls this an issue of integrity. Technology can become an addiction that makes it easy to avoid thinking about real challenges, such as a troubled relationship or an unhappy work situation. It provides a reason to avoid time with the person or problem that might resolve the issue. To restore balance, you might decide family meals are sacrosanct (no phone interruptions allowed)… or leave all laptops at home when you go on vacation… or take no text messages except when you are at work — what, when and how much is up to you and your family. What’s important, however, is that you stick to the limits you set… because you value your real life most of all.

Lauren reminds us that when it comes to technology, we need to remember who’s the boss. You don’t work for it — it works for you. Use your gadgets with this in mind, and they will indeed be useful and life-enhancing.