Think parenting teenagers is tough? Just wait. The first year following college can be the most tumultuous time for many parent/child relationships.

When writer Caroline Kitchener tracked the after-graduation experiences of several of her Princeton classmates for her new book Post Grad: Five Women and Their First Year Out of College, she was surprised to discover that all had experienced friction with their parents, even though none had moved back home. One likely reason—recent grads value their independence and want to be seen as adults, but many also turn to their parents for emotional and financial support, creating a challenging balancing act for all involved.

Kitchener’s top tips for parents…

Don’t harp on your financial help. Grads tend to be deeply appreciative of financial help from parents…and deeply embarrassed by it. Depending on money from Mom and Dad is an ongoing reminder that they are not yet the independent adults that they know they should be. The more the parent mentions the money or lectures about financial responsibility, the larger the problem this is likely to cause for the relationship.

 Find something nice to say about the first apartment. It might be tiny, dingy or shared with too many roommates…but it also might be the first time your grad has had a home to truly call his own. That’s a life milestone and your approval is meaningful.

 Find something nice to say about the boyfriend/girlfriend. Do this even if you think your child could do better. Your recent grad sees something worth loving in this person. If you do not make an honest effort to understand what that something is, you not only reject the romantic partner, you reject your child’s ability to make adult decisions. If after a few months of genuinely trying to accept your child’s choice and you still see a serious problem, you could then think about saying something.

 Share a bottle of wine (or a few beers or mixed drinks if that’s more your style). This is a quiet way to show your child the respect he craves. Drinking is something that adults do together. You send your children a message that you now see them as grown-ups. If you’re not a drinker, taking an exercise class together works too, such as yoga or spin.

Related Articles