Jane Isay
Jane Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents…Secrets and Lies: Surviving the Truths That Change Our Lives…and the forthcoming Unconditional Love: A GPS for Grandparents.
How can I get my grown daughter, who lives across the country, to call me more?
To start with, do not assume she doesn’t want to communicate with you. Instead, look at hurdles you have to overcome—things going on in her life that may make it hard for her to stay in touch regularly, even if she wants to. The basic one is likely that she is very busy. Most of us raised our kids to have independent, full lives, and being busy all the time is one outcome of that. Sometimes the lack of a phone call simply means, “I’m busy,” not “I don’t love you or care about you.” Next, since she lives across the country, think about the time difference. That could be an obstacle. When it is convenient for you to talk, it may not be a good time for her and vice versa. Try picking a regular time for the call—one that works for both of you. And you might want to be the person who initiates at least some of the time. Also, do not focus too much on the idea of a phone call. Some young people would rather communicate by text. You might even try video calls, if that suits her. The important thing is to find out how she likes to communicate—then try reaching out to her that way. It may not be the heart-to-heart phone conversation you want, but it may be the best way to stay in touch. Two additional points to keep in mind. First, do your best not to make your daughter feel guilty. Guilt will make her less likely to respond and less likely to stay in regular touch with you. Second, even if it seems very hard to communicate with her on a regular basis, keep trying—you might try sending her texts or e-mails from time to time. Even if she does not respond to them, she will still be receiving them and still be aware that you are staying in touch.
