QUESTION

I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, and I am worried that they might get married. Is there anything I can do?

ANSWER

Stay out of this. Nothing, nothing, makes romance flourish faster than opposition from parents. This is true whether it’s a son or daughter you’re concerned about. There is no way you can behave in opposition to this relationship that will end well—no matter what eventually happens with your son and his girlfriend. If you express your negative feelings and they do break up, you may feel satisfaction, but he will believe you are thinking, I told you so. And he will be resentful—with some cause, since you did want them to break up. He won’t want to talk about it, but you will have driven a wedge between you and him. Is that the outcome you want? On the other hand, if you are critical of the relationship and they do marry, you are going to have a resentful daughter-in-law on your hands—someone who is well aware that you disapprove of her and of the marriage. Remember that a man in love, given the choice between siding with the woman of his dreams and his mother, is not going to choose Mom. Again, you will have driven a wedge between yourself and your son. And if your son and his girlfriend marry and have children, that angry mother of your grandchildren is not going to be setting out the welcome mat for you. You will have created a barrier between yourself and your grandchildren—and your son. Is that what you want? As hard as it may be, try thinking that you may be mistaken about whatever you dislike about your son’s girlfriend. Then, if things get really serious, try to open yourself up to her and get her to open up to you in return. Get to know her better on the basis of one very important thing you have in common: You both love your son.

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