A 7-Step Plan for Finally Getting Along with Adult Siblings

It seems like siblings should be close friends. They probably understand each other in a deeper, more meaningful way than almost anyone else alive.

But many sibling relationships are badly strained. According to one survey, 35% of adults have either an apathetic or an outright hostile relationship with a brother or sister.

Damaged adult sibling relationships can be difficult to fix, but it can be done. Here’s how…

1. Uncover your “I hate you” story. When adult siblings have very troubled relationships—not just short-term spats—the problem typically has roots in childhood. What anecdotes come to mind when you consider your childhood interactions with your sibling? Is there a story that you have relived and repeated over the years that casts you as the victim and your sibling as a scoundrel? This story might emphasize that your sibling bullied you…belittled you…or received preferential treatment from your parents. (Or, conversely, does your sibling tell such a story about you?) Or your “I hate you” story might have developed when you were both adults.

Write about this story during a relaxed, private moment. Write what happened and how it made you feel. As you write, consciously let go of any tension the story stirs up inside you. Take deep breaths…unclench your teeth and fists, and relax the muscles of your face…and touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth—this tends to make people feel calm.

2. Bring the story into present day. There is no way to change what happened between you and your sibling in the past, but you can change how those past events make you feel in the present. Discuss these feelings with someone you trust—that’s better than allowing the feelings to continue to simmer silently inside you. Try to choose someone outside the family so that he/she doesn’t get caught in the middle.

Also, do something that makes you feel calm whenever thoughts of or ­interactions with this sibling make you stressed or angry. This should begin to erode your mind’s association between this sibling and the unpleasant feelings.

Potential calming activities include exercising…playing calming music…deep breathing…petting your pet…meditating…or writing in a journal.

3. Confront your family’s hierarchical structure and unspoken inequalities. In many families the kids are not treated exactly the same.

Examples: Older siblings often are given additional responsibilities, while younger siblings are told they must do as the older ones say. And parents may become less strict with younger siblings. In past decades, boys often faced different expectations and received a larger share of the resources than girls. Write down the inequalities and hierarchies that prevailed in your family when you were growing up. (If these do not come quickly to mind, think about how household rules and responsibilities varied based on gender and birth order…and/or consult with siblings with whom you get along well.) Now consider what you have written—could these childhood ­hierarchies and inequalities be affecting the way you and your sibling interact with each other to this day?

4. Consider what made your sibling hurt you (or vice versa). Could the discord between you actually have been caused not by either of you, but by a family situation completely out of both of your control?

Example: Ted hated his elder brother, John, because John mistreated Ted when he babysat him after school as children. Ted’s hatred festered well into adulthood—until he considered why John had mistreated him. His elder brother had been deeply unhappy because he did not want to be stuck home babysitting every afternoon. Once Ted realized this, he stopped seeing his brother as a monster and instead saw that they both were victims of the family’s financial struggles—their parents had to work and couldn’t afford a sitter.

5. Reflect upon how your sibling still wounds you (or vice versa). Does the sister who said mean things to you in childhood still say mean things today? Does the brother who ignored your opinions as a child still ignore what you say today? Make a list of the sibling’s traits that have bothered you since childhood.

Now think about how you have grown and changed since childhood. You are not the same person you were when you were a child, so you do not have to let your sibling’s words and actions wound you the way they once did.

Example: Your sister has always diminished your accomplishments, and this contributed to your feeling like a failure. Reflect on all that you have achieved in your life—you no longer are that child who needs to feel insecure about her worth. Remind yourself of this when your sister says something mean. Also list the ways in which your sibling has changed since childhood. It is easy to define people by their enduring traits, but everyone changes over time—which means that your sibling is c­apable of changing the behaviors that wound you.

6. Share what you have learned with your sibling. Invite your sibling to meet with you. Practice relaxation techniques before you get together. Then begin by expressing the positive feelings you still have for this sibling and explaining why you think fixing the relationship is worth the trouble. Then explain that you have put a lot of thought into what’s gone wrong between you and why you think the pattern can be overcome. Do this in a way that avoids placing blame.

Example: “You’re my brother, and I love you. I want us to have a closer relationship, for our sake, for our kids’ sakes, and so we can work together to take care of Mom if she ever needs our help. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into why we don’t get along. I was younger, so Mom put you in charge. I think that made me resentful about having to do what you said…and maybe it made you resentful about having to take so much responsibility. But the situation wasn’t your fault or mine, and we don’t have to let it stand in the way of us getting along as adults.”

Alternative: If your sibling harbors a deep well of anger toward you and tells you so, instead acknowledge your past mistakes and the legitimacy of the sibling’s anger, then say that you would like to try to fix things if your sibling is ever interested in doing so. Understand that your sibling might not yet be ready.

7. Start building a new relationship. Add a new ending to your “I hate you” story so that it now includes how the two of you are overcoming your problems and becoming friends. Remind yourself of this ending whenever the old “I hate you” story comes to mind.

Discuss with your sibling that there inevitably will be setbacks along the way, but pledge to overcome these rather than allow the relationship to disintegrate.

Make a ritual of celebrating the rebirth of the relationship. Note the date when you agreed to patch things up, and call, write or get together to commemorate this date in future years.

Don’t consider your efforts a failure if your sibling doesn’t agree to rebuild the relationship. The main benefit of forgiveness is the peace that surrounds you when you move out of the past into the present…have used self-help to heal yourself…and turned off the endless spigot of your “I hate you” story. Forgiveness is about transforming yourself.

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