QUESTION

My son, age 36, is in financial trouble. I’m going to help him out, but I don’t want my daughter, who is doing fine, to be angry or jealous. What should I do?

ANSWER

Brothers and sisters have been comparing the number of potato chips on each of their plates since they could count. Seeing that their parents are fair in how they dole out cookies or cash helps develop their sense of fairness and is an antidote to sibling rivalry. Your first thought might be to keep your daughter in the dark about how you’re helping her brother. That would minimize friction. But one of the facts I have learned in my research on secrets in families is that secrets more often than not come out. If your grown children aren’t that close, you may expect them not to be in touch. But you never know. And it’s not in your control. If your daughter finds out about your generosity to her brother and thinks that you’ve been playing favorites, she is likely to be mad at him. That’s what you are trying to avoid. So the direct route might be best. Tell your daughter that you are helping out her brother and that if she is ever in need, you’ll plan to do the same for her. If your son asks that you keep his sister in the dark, you may want to explain to him why you think that isn’t such a good idea. You don’t want your generosity to him to become a wedge between him and his sister.

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