Betrayal between partners takes many forms—lying about money, blabbing secrets, going AWOL in a crisis, having an affair. Such offenses often lead couples to the brink of a breakup. Yet many marriages can survive betrayal and emerge stronger and happier than ever. The secret lies with four simple tools that rebuild trust. Here’s how to make them work for you…

Trust is the ability to firmly believe in the reliability of your partner. To rebuild or reinforce trust, psychotherapist Daniela Roher, PhD, coauthor of Couples at the Crossroads: Five Steps to Finding Your Way Back to Love, recommends what she calls four CORE strategies—Communication, Opportunity, Renegotiation and Empathy.

Communication/Talk About It. You may think that discussing every detail of a betrayal would make it harder to move past the pain—but that’s not the case. Evidence: Research on relationships rocked by infidelity found that the more a couple talked about the events of the affair and their feelings about it, the more likely they were to succeed at saving their marriage. Dr. Roher explained, “The betrayed partner has a need to know what happened and so should feel free to ask all the questions he or she has. The betrayer has an obligation to respond in ways that are honest, supportive, caring and patient.” Yes, these are very difficult conversations—but they are crucial to reestablishing a connection. So whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer, listen to your partner with an open mind, without interrupting…when it’s your turn to talk, try to avoid rationalization and defensiveness in order to focus on each other’s feelings.

Opportunity. Your old “pre-betrayal” relationship is gone, but the current crisis can open the door to an even better partnership if you view it as an opportunity to address problems that have long been pushed under the rug, Dr. Roher said. For instance, suppose you feel abandoned because your spouse is refusing to help take care of your ailing father. Ask yourself whether you two have a long-standing habit of ignoring each other’s needs—for instance, by spending weekends watching TV sports or shopping with friends rather than having couple time. Seize this opportunity to identify such trust-damaging behavioral patterns and discuss concrete ways to support each other better.

Renegotiate. When partners first commit to each other, they make many assumptions—about finances, monogamy, child-rearing, holidays, careers, friends and innumerable other facets of life—and sometimes these assumptions are never openly discussed. This lack of clarity can leave one partner feeling blindsided while the other feels falsely accused. To reestablish trust, the rules of the relationship need to be spelled out clearly and agreed to by both partners. For example, Dr. Roher said, if the conflict was about money, the couple may decide that all purchases over $200 must be mutually agreed upon and that finances will be reviewed together monthly.

Empathize. Trust disappears when a person feels abandoned, rejected or ignored…and emotional healing can’t even begin to occur until empathy is offered. This means that, for the betrayer, admitting to a mistake is not enough—he or she also must make an effort to feel the partner’s pain, acknowledge responsibility and express remorse, Dr. Roher said. This kind of contrition drives a commitment to change the behaviors that led to the present crisis…and paves the way for honorable new behaviors that will earn back the trust so vital to a healthy relationship. If you have acted badly and hope to save your relationship, this is no time to let pride ruin your chances.

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