Let’s face it. Many couples going through rough patches in their wedded bliss balk at turning to couples’ therapy for help. But what if watching a handful of movies together in the comfort of one’s own home could help prevent problems from getting to that point?
New Approach: Having couples watch movies and then discuss the on-screen relationship issues afterward can sometimes be just as effective as more traditional relationship-strengthening interventions, according to research conducted at the University of Rochester.*
Even if your marriage isn’t troubled: Watching films and answering targeted questions can help you identify ways that you can make a good relationship even better.
Here is how this fascinating research unfolded…
Even though couples’ therapy can help when there’s an emotional impasse, many people are uncomfortable discussing intimate problems with a stranger. On top of that, therapy sessions can sometimes go on for weeks or months, and it can cost an arm and a leg if it’s not covered by your health insurance.
To find out whether there might be a way to head off relationship problems before they become too serious, researchers divided 174 couples who had been together for about three years (though not necessarily engaged or married for all that time) into four groups.
Two of the groups participated in one of two forms of relationship- strengthening programs for about a month (one type focusing on empathy and acceptance…the other type zeroing in on communication styles). Those in the third group watched and discussed five movies over the course of about a month. The fourth group was a control—the participants didn’t watch movies or attend counseling.
Surprising result: Three years later, the movie watchers were half as likely to separate or divorce as those in the control group. In fact, their divorce and separation rates (11% over three years) were the same as those who participated in either the empathy or communication programs.
Important: Even though the couples in the study had not been together very long, researchers suspect that movie therapy also can help long-term relationships if the partners are willing to put in the work and communicate openly with one another.
Sometimes, relationships get torn apart by weighty conflicts over money, sex or how to raise the children. But other times, everyday interactions fuel the discontent. Maybe your partner interrupts your stories…leaves dishes in the sink…or nags about your driving. Any of this sound familiar?
The good thing about movie-watching is that it can jump-start conversations about virtually any issue that’s tripping up your relationship. Plus, it’s fun to do.
And if the thought of enduring hours of saccharine-sweet “chick flicks” makes you wince, relax.
Sure, Love Story and a few other sappy movies were on the researchers’ suggested list of films to watch. But there also were films you might never expect—great old classics like Gone With the Wind, Barefoot in the Park and The Out-of-Towners. There were plenty of complex, critically acclaimed films, too—such as American Beauty, Children of a Lesser God and On Golden Pond. If you’re looking for a little humor, there were even such choices as Meet the Fockers, The Big Wedding and The Five-Year Engagement.
To get started…
• Pick your flicks. You and your partner need to agree to watch a movie together once a week and choose ones that you both find interesting.
When you watch, look at how the characters interact. Pay particular attention to the scenes that reflect your relationship—it might be flashes of temper, a condescending voice or frequent interruptions. These are the issues you’ll want to talk about later.
• Watch the films together. It defeats the purpose if you watch a movie at separate times or in separate rooms—or don’t even watch the same movie. Treat it like a date night. Watch the movie all the way through with a minimum of interruptions. Watch for the scenes that make you laugh (or groan or nod your head) when they hit close to home.
• Talk it over. After the movie’s done, walk through some of the issues within its plot.
Some of the researchers’ post-movie questions: What problems did the couple face? Are they similar to issues in your own life? Did the couples communicate well or poorly? Did they try to understand each other, or did they go on the attack? How did they handle conflicts or differences of opinion? For the complete list of discussion points to help you have your own conversations, go to Couples-Research.com.
• Consider joining the study. Couples in the study watched one movie each week followed up by a 45–minute discussion over a period of about a month. You can do this on your own, or you can use the above Web site to sign up for the online study. Couples who participate in the study will be asked to complete a short survey, watch five movies of their choosing in about a month’s time and have 30- to 45-minute discussions after each movie they watch.
You’ll be given individual feedback from the researchers conducting the survey on different parts of your relationship…and, at the end of the month, on changes that occurred within your relationship. There’s no fee to participate.
*This approach is not a substitute for formal couples’ therapy but may obviate the need for it—especially if the partners use it as a way to help keep their relationships healthy.
