Benjamin Seider
Benjamin Seider, graduate student, department of psychology, University of California, Berkeley.
Couples who talk about their lives, likes and dislikes using the word “we” — as in “we love Thai food” — can seem annoying to a lot of people. The usual equation, after all, is two people equals two opinions, this being America and all. But if you are among the folks who find “we” talk irritating in couples, you may want to rethink your stance. According to a new study, the ones who say “we” and “our” are better able to resolve their differences than those who tend to say “I” and “my.”
This study, done at the University of California, Berkeley, built upon earlier research showing that plural pronoun use is a strong indicator of satisfaction in a new marriage. This time researchers sought to learn…
There were two groups — couples were either between 40 and 50 years old and married at least 15 years… or between age 50 and 60, married 35+ years. Each couple spent 15 minutes discussing a topic they’d previously identified as being an area of conflict while sensors monitored their skin temperature, pulse, heart rate and physical motions. Transcripts of their conversations were then analyzed by computer to count “we-ness” pronouns versus “separateness” pronouns.
So what did we learn?Use of we words did, in fact, correlate positively with other aspects of how affectionately the partners behaved toward each other and also with lower levels of physiological stress. Choosing singular pronouns, on the other hand, was linked with more stress. Also, the older couples were more likely to speak in the “we” voice than the middle-aged ones and, interestingly, in that group the use of singular pronouns was especially indicative of an unhappy marriage.
Using lots of singular words during conflict may have a detrimental effect on a relationship, study author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in psychology, told me. He speculates that use of these words places the spouses in an adversarial position, whereas use of togetherness words “seemed to help couples regulate their interactions better.” Seider believes that when you find yourself using words like “I” and “you” during a heated conversation, it may be a sign that you’re feeling increasingly negative — he suggests pulling back, perhaps taking a time out to get calm. Consciously sticking to plural pronouns, on the other hand, makes resolution easier, Seider said. “The ‘we’ words really were an antidoteto help realign the couple and put them back on the same team,” he said. This is advice from which we can all benefit!