A friend of mine has a husband who always leaves the kitchen cabinets open after he goes searching for, say, a box of cereal or crackers.

“I walk into the house and it feels like we’ve just been robbed,” she told me. “But then I remember that it’s just one of Bill’s quirks.”

If your partner has a similarly annoying habit, dealing with it can be frustrating. But there’s an interesting tactic that can help you get past this sort of relationship frustration—you ready for it?

It involves something called Wabi Sabi.

Now, I’m not talking about that green, spicy stuff that you put on your sushi—I’m talking about the ancient Japanese principle of finding beauty in imperfections.

In fact, relationship expert Arielle Ford wrote a book on the topic called Wabi Sabi Love: The Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships, and it’s full of interesting tips…

WHAT IS WABI SABI?

Picture the silhouette of a tree as the sun sets behind it, with its meandering, asymmetrical branches. It’s beautiful. People who practice Wabi Sabi would say that the tree would be less beautiful if it were perfectly straight and symmetrical. They would also say that Cindy Crawford is beautiful because of the trademark mole above her lip, not in spite of it.

In reality, very few things in life (if any) are perfect, including marriages and long-term relationships. Practicing Wabi Sabi will help teach you how to manage your expectations when it comes to love—instead of expecting perfection from your partner and ending up feeling disappointed, you’ll learn how to accept (and perhaps even adore) your partner’s faults. As a result, you’re likely to feel happier in your relationship.

Here are some of my favorite tips from the book that will help you reach that goal…

1. Learn to like what your partner loves. One common relationship frustration occurs when your partner is passionate about something (whether it’s watching a sport, playing an instrument or going to a book club) and you have zero interest in it. The problem is that this passion can sometimes become all consuming and you may grow resentful if your partner spends more time pursuing that passion than he or she does with you!

For example, maybe it bothers you that your partner spends half the weekend on the sofa entranced by golf on TV. Instead of getting angry every time he starts getting settled in because he’s not doing chores…or because you feel ignored…or because you think he’s wasting his time, try sitting down and watching some golf with him. You may end up appreciating the precision of the players’ shots, the energy of their competitive spirit or the serenity of the manicured courses. You don’t need to love golf for the same reasons that he does, nor do you need to sit there for hours with him, but just being with him without steam coming from your ears—even for a few minutes—while he does something that he enjoys will help you understand why he loves it. The goal isn’t to change your partner’s behavior—it’s to change your expectations and perspective, so you’ll become more accepting of his habit.

2. Focus on the big picture. There is probably at least one thing that your partner does every day that makes you crazy—maybe she strikes up a conversation with every random stranger that she encounters, clicks her tongue as she reads the paper or leaves the toothpaste cap sitting on the bathroom counter next to the crumpled tube every single morning.

But in the grand scheme of things, when you think about your overall life together, are the annoying quirks really that terrible (or that important)? Try focusing on the major stuff instead of the minor stuff—meaning, be thankful for a moment that your partner is alive and well. There may come a day when your partner has passed away, and you may miss seeing the toothpaste cap on the counter or would do anything to hear that tongue clicking again.

3. Get some context. Here’s a quick story: A guy named Jim punches a guy named Matt. Jim sounds like a jerk, right? But what if I told you that Matt had been having an affair with Jim’s wife and had been stealing money from her to fund his gambling habit? This information might make you think about the punch—and Jim—in a different light, yes?

The point I’m trying to make is that context does matter. When you take the time to understand a person’s frame of reference and see where he or she is coming from, you gain understanding and empathy. This strategy works wonders when it comes to relationships. Superstition, ethnic background, religion, family upbringing and a gazillion other things play a role in why your mate does certain things.

Say, for example, that your husband makes meat loaf every Monday for dinner. You’re sick of looking at it and eating it and can’t understand why he feels the need to make it so regularly. Try this: Ask him why. Maybe it’s because when he was growing up, that’s what his mom did every Monday, and maintaining that ritual gives him comfort and reminds him of her. It’s hard to stay annoyed at him when you know that, deep down, he’s really doing it because he misses his mom.

I’m now going to recall these three Wabi Sabi tips in my most important relationships to see if it doesn’t bring more harmony and happiness. What about you? Add your comment, below!

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