Bottom Line: How you choose to move on when a relationship ends will not only heal your heart, but make you healthier, too.
Some relationships are like the highs and lows of a roller coaster. And when the ride comes to an end, the final plummet can be a terrifying dive into some pretty dark emotions. The key to coming out strong on the other side is to avoid giving in to the unhealthy urges you may feel during this time. You know, like drowning your sorrows in Rocky Road ice cream or your favorite tequila. (If you’ve been here before, you may already know that these coping “strategies” will only make you feel worse when the sugar high or alcohol wears off.)
Moving forward is harder for some people than others, said psychotherapist and relationship expert Jeanette Raymond, PhD. It’s possible to feel so overwhelmed by the breakup that you have trouble functioning, going to work or taking care of yourself. You may feel beaten down, but it’s possible to put your life back together and deal with this change in a healthy way.
Acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to experience sadness, pain, anger and hurt. Allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than run away from them. This doesn’t mean giving into the urge to blame yourself over and over again for what went wrong. Rather, it’s a necessary part of healing.
The first phase is like drowning and trying to come up for air. Don’t worry if you seem to take longer than others to get over it because your process depends on whether or not you have processed previous separations.
In the second phase, your head and shoulders are above the water. You feel safer and more settled, despite the haunting trauma. Your psyche wants to make sure you don’t bypass the experience and relapse.
The third phase, which may take from a year to several years, depending on your history of coping with separation, feels like wading through mud. You will function better but still be on guard. Emotions will get triggered by songs, scents and TV shows. You’re well on the way to getting over it, but it doesn’t mean you expunge it from memory.
Write down your story. Get in touch with who you are by writing a story or even a three-act play about your life with a beginning, a middle and a “now.” Explore where you were and are in those different stages.
If that sounds too daunting, try writing down your feelings, any memories that may come flooding back from your past, and most importantly, your dreams—think of them as an avenue for healing. Draw the images from your dreams, no matter how weird or confusing, to create a tableau of what you’re going through.
These activities help you connect the dots that you never imagined were associated. Seeing how a seemingly trivial event many years ago has resonance now will illuminate your experience. Instead of cursing at yourself for being foolish, duped or blind you can get insight into the patterns you might be repeating, and work on those important matters.
Spend time with a pet. The unconditional love of an animal helps build your resilience, making it easier to get through hard times. Dogs don’t reject you—they only love you. If you don’t have a pet or can’t borrow one, sign up to spend time with a therapy dog or cat or volunteer at a pet shelter.
Create a collage. A breakup can be so painful that you can’t even talk about it. In this case, art can help you process what’s happened and open up about how you’re feeling. Go through magazines and cut out pictures and words that speak to you. Without thinking about it too much, paste them in a spontaneous, creative way on a poster board. A collage is a deeply intimate portrait of your inner experience. Keeping it in a box like an old photo is an act of honor and recognition. Or you might be creative with the finished product—frame it and use it as a piece of art, photograph it and upload it as a desktop wallpaper image or if you create a few, turn them into cards that you send to others. Out of sorrow and pain comes depth and beauty.
Turn to nature. Walking in the great outdoors can improve your mood and help you experience the human quality of resilience. Trees grow and hold their ground for decades, standing tall even after storms and times of drought. The same is true for people, and spending time in nature can help remind you of that. Also, bring nature indoors. Buy a plant you can tend to—watching it grow and thrive will encourage you to do the same.
Take your time with big decisions. Resist doing anything rash, such as having plastic surgery, moving or making a large purchase you might later regret. And don’t jump into a new relationship until you’re past the old one.
Avoid extremes. Don’t drown yourself in hot fudge sundaes, but also avoid self-punishment, such as going on a severe diet or other self-imposed restrictions. If you want to lose yourself, consider doing so with exercise—you’ll release feel-good hormones and improve your physical health in the process.
Create a shrine. A shrine is an acknowledgment and honoring of your loving experience, which may echo those you have had and lost before. This helps you not give up on love and ensures that your wound doesn’t taint your capacity for future relationships. Gather a few items that have meaning for you and place them somewhere in your home or yard where you can sit and reflect. Creating a shrine out in the open helps prevent feelings from festering inside and becoming an obstacle for future relationships.
Now is the perfect time to____. Fill in the blank! Have you always wanted to learn a new language, take a master class or learn how to do your own car maintenance? Find new ways to fill up the time you used to spend with your ex, and you’ll spend less time feeling his/her absence (and better resist the temptation to call).
If you find that you’re really struggling and have trouble with being on your own and not in a relationship, you may need outside help. A therapist can guide you through the initial stages of a breakup and help you to process your experience and emerge stronger.
