You spotted a friend’s husband dining by candlelight with another woman. The letter you opened by mistake said that your son didn’t get into his first-choice college. Your elderly neighbor weeps for hours on end and you’re afraid that her daughter doesn’t have a clue.
When you’re privy to sensitive information concerning someone else, it can be tough to know how—or even whether—to break the bad news. Following the guidelines below can make a difficult situation less traumatic for all involved.
Stay silent if…
The person on the receiving end couldn’t handle the news. Someone who is physically frail or emotionally unstable should not be unnecessarily burdened with troubling information. If it is essential that the news be shared, recruit an appropriate professional—such as the person’s doctor, lawyer or spiritual leader—to handle the matter.
You have an inappropriate agenda. If you’re in emotional turmoil yourself, stress could be muddying your motives. Ask yourself: Are you mad at the person to whom you’re tempted to tell the bad news and thus subconsciously want to see her squirm? Do you feel inferior and want to blab to prove that you’re “in the know”? Are you facing a similar trauma (such as a cheating husband) and misery loves company? If you suspect that your motives for speaking out are less than 100% supportive, hold your tongue.
If you do decide to break the bad news…
Choose the right moment. The best time to start the conversation is when the other person is relaxed (for instance, sitting restfully after a satisfying meal) or after discussing something that made her or him feel good (such as your friend’s positive job performance review or your son’s game-winning touchdown).
Avoid melodrama. There’s no need to open the conversation with an alarmist line such as, “You’d better be sitting down…” or “I know that your life will never be the same after you find out.” Better: “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s something I think you should know.”
Be prepared for a negative reaction. Hearing unwanted news can unleash strong emotions. If the other person misdirects her anger at you, remind yourself that “shooting the messenger” is a common knee-jerk response and try not to get defensive. If she is in denial about the situation, simply state the facts as you understand them without exaggerating their seriousness, acknowledge that it may take time for her to process the information, then back off. If an overly sensitive person gets hysterical at the news, remain calm yourself as you try to help her stop catastrophizing and focus on solutions.
Soften the blow. Unleashing the whole story in one fell swoop could be emotionally devastating, so go slowly and use the other person’s reaction to judge how much she wants to hear. Provide what support you can—for instance, offering your neighbor’s daughter an article you found on depression in the elderly…or sharing with your son a story about a setback of your own that ultimately opened up a golden opportunity.
Be clear about how far you are prepared to go to help. In the days to come, follow through by making good on whatever you promised to do to help the other person get through this difficult time.
