How often do you and your partner hang out with another couple and really enjoy the interaction? If the answer is “hardly ever” or “not as often as we’d like,” then here’s a suggestion—find more couples’ friends…because it’s good for you.
Admittedly, this can be tricky. Friendships between couples are inevitably more complicated than friendships between individuals because the personalities, preferences and eccentricities of four people (not just two) come into play. But the rewards are well worth the effort involved. “No matter how devoted you and your partner are to each other, a four-way friendship can enrich your primary relationship by multiplying your ideas and interests as well as by warding off boredom. A good couples’ friendship can benefit your personal life by boosting your self-esteem and expanding your interaction skills. And because the other couple will come to know you and your partner in a unique way, they can provide special insights and support in times of trouble,” says clinical psychologist and Daily Health News columnist Judy Kuriansky, PhD.
Here’s what to do…
With your partner, discuss where to look for couples’ friends. People are most often attracted to one another when they share common interests, so make a list of activities that both of you enjoy. No fair insisting, “Let’s make new friends at the golf club,” if only one of you plays golf. If you and your partner don’t currently have a joint hobby or other interest, keep exploring until you find one that intrigues you both. Important: Make sure it’s an activity that inherently involves other couples whom you’ll see repeatedly, Dr. Kuriansky says. For instance, don’t just go dancing together—take dancing classes so you’ll meet other twosomes and have a chance to interact with those same people week after week. More examples: Sign up to learn couples’ massage or couples’ yoga…join a coed doubles tennis league or coed softball team…find a book club or hiking club that meets weekly or monthly…do volunteer work that involves an ongoing activity, such as serving at a soup kitchen every Sunday. Not everyone you meet this way will be in a committed relationship—but you’re bound to find some couples who are eager to form new four-way friendships.
Make a pact to reach out to strangers. Wherever you go together, challenge yourselves to strike up conversations with other couples, Dr. Kuriansky suggests. Food always encourages conversation, so patronize restaurants featuring large tables that seat multiple groups together (such as family-style Italian restaurants or hibachi-style Japanese restaurants). At the theater, chat during intermission with another twosome seated near you—and be sure that all four people are drawn into the conversation. When you meet an interesting couple at a party or charity event, say, “I’m really enjoying talking with you and I’d like to introduce you to my partner,” then call over your significant other.
Get to know your current friends’ mates, too. Ask your friends to tell you more about their partners’ interests and personalities—and if you sense some common interests or attitudes between them and your own partner, suggest a double date that centers on that shared trait. You could be halfway to a couples’ friendship already…but the only way to find out whether all four of you will click is to get everyone together.
For your double dates, pick activities that help foster four-way friendships. As a new friendship gets underway, of course you can keep doing whatever you were doing when you met the other couple—but you’ll want to branch out, too, to keep things interesting for all concerned. As you suggest activities, consider the other couples’ tastes. Would they rather go on a picnic with you or be invited to dine in your home? Attend the opera or a basketball game? Also, be open to whatever they might suggest even if it’s not something you’ve tried before—you may be pleasantly surprised to find that you do enjoy playing cards or going antique-hunting after all.
Watch out for pitfalls, however. If the other couple resists a suggestion you make, gently ask what the obstacle might be. For example, your suggestion to spend a day at the zoo might trigger anxiety due to another person’s fear of animals. If an explanation is not forthcoming, let it go and come up with a different idea.
Once you’ve gotten together with a particular couple several times, talk with your partner about how the friendship is going. Is your mate enthusiastic about or indifferent to the other couple? Discuss the other couples’ traits and how they make you feel. As Dr. Kuriansky says, friends worth pursuing are those who are thoughtful (for instance, they ask after your ailing sister)…reliable (they keep commitments and honor confidences)…comfortable to be around (you feel relaxed and accepted)…and generous (there’s an equal sharing of favors and no sense of being used). And, very importantly, there should be no jealousy, inappropriate flirtation or sexual tension among you! If these criteria are not being met, it’s time to politely disengage and try again with a different couple. Eventually you’ll find a twosome with whom you and your partner can form a very compatible foursome.
