When we truly forgive someone, we release the hurt and anger — and experience a profound feeling of inner peace and freedom. But to truly forgive, we must change the way we view the events that we seek to forgive. We must stop thinking, Someone did something to me, and start seeing all of the events of our life as part of a larger plan that will lead to our personal and spiritual growth. Here’s how…

Let yourself feel what you feel like feeling. Stop questioning whether you are entitled to your emotional response to this difficult and painful situation. Your feelings are your feelings no matter what they are, and bottling them up doesn’t mean they don’t exist — it just traps them inside. Admitting your feelings and affirming that you are entitled to them are both validating and empowering.

Separate the events from your interpretation of the events. When we are unable to forgive, much of our pain often derives not from what actually happened to us but from the meaning we assign to the event. Example: A woman’s mother-in-law declined her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. The daughter-in-law viewed this as an insult, yet the declined invitation could have had many possible explanations.

One way to separate the event from your interpretation of it is to try to put yourself in the shoes of the perpetrator. It could help you better understand what truly happened… why it happened… and perhaps, why there’s no need to take it personally. Example: A man has an affair. If his wife wishes to forgive, she could try to understand the affair from his perspective. Was the husband raised in a loveless home, making him prone to seek out love wherever he finds it? Had the marriage grown distant?

This doesn’t excuse the transgression. The purpose here is to help the person who feels wronged reach a level of understanding, not to give the perpetrator a free pass.

Reframe the story. Don’t try to understand how a painful event is meant to serve your life plan. Accept that sometimes we don’t get these answers. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility that what happened did not happen to you, but for you and your personal and spiritual growth. Accept that there might be a plan for your life created by God or the universe — whichever fits into your belief system.

If you can’t find the blind faith necessary to believe that this hidden plan exists for your life, simply remain open to the possibility that such a plan could exist — there’s no way to prove that it doesn’t. Next, allow yourself to act as though this possibility is the truth, even if you doubt it. There’s a wonderful sense of peace that comes with believing that God or the universe has a plan for us. Let this feeling wash over you. Believing will become easier once you experience it.

Add a physical dimension to your new understanding of the event. It is essential that you do something of a physical nature to rewire your perception of what actually happened. You can do this by writing this new story down or just talking about it.

Filling out the Radical Forgiveness Worksheet, available on my Web site, is a physical act that anyone can do (click “Free Downloads” under the “Support” heading at right on www.RadicalForgiveness.com). The worksheet is free.

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