A colleague criticizes you in front of your boss…an acquaintance asks you an overly personal question…a stranger cuts in front of you in line. The shock of unexpected and unpleasant situations such as these might make you say things that you later regret…or freeze up and say nothing at all, which can add to the awkwardness.
The best responses in these situations are both polite and powerful. Being polite reduces the odds that the already unpleasant situation will escalate, while being powerful shows that you stand up for yourself.
What to say in 10 common awkward situations…
Someone raises his/her voice while speaking with you. Say, “I want to talk about this but not this way.” Or “I want to help…but yelling won’t help me help you. It will only make us both unproductive.” Say this calmly but loudly enough to be heard. Opening with the phrase “I want to help” (or “I hear you” if that better fits the situation) often begins to calm yellers—it lets them know that you are listening and potentially even on their side. Refusing to proceed with the discussion until this person lowers his voice sends the message that you will not allow yourself to be intimidated.
Someone cuts in front of you in line. Say, “Excuse me, I believe I was here first.” This response calls attention to the transgression without criticizing the transgressor, who may have cut ahead accidentally.
Someone says something thoughtless but not intentionally offensive to you. Say something lighthearted that pokes gentle fun at the thoughtless statement. It can be tricky to get this just right—if your response is too hostile, you could develop a reputation for being touchy.
Example: A coworker says you’re good with computers “for someone your age.” You don’t want to bite this coworker’s head off—he probably was trying to pay you a compliment, and it just didn’t come out right—but letting his comment linger without response could reinforce the impression that you are too old to be truly tech-savvy. You could respond with a smile and say, “Thank you! That’s quite a compliment from someone your age.”
If a good line doesn’t pop immediately to mind, you could always smile and calmly repeat back the offending portion of the statement followed by “huh?”—such as “for someone my age, huh?” Saying this buys you a few extra moments to think of an effective lighthearted line, such as, “Looks can be deceiving.” If you still can’t, just leave it there, or just say, “Thank you.”
There’s something you want from someone. Making requests often makes people feel uncomfortable, so they phrase the request in ways that seem undemanding. They might convert their requests into questions, asking, “Could I have…” or “Can you…” which gives the decision-making power to the other person. Or they might ask people to “try” to do whatever it is they are requesting. This softer approach can be appropriate at times, especially if you are talking up the ladder. But using a sentence that begins in a direct assertive way such as, “I would like…” or “I want to…” makes it very clear what you want and is more likely to produce the desired results. Listen to the difference—“Boss, I would like to be assigned to the ABC project” versus “Boss, can you assign me to the ABC project?” Both are polite, but the first version leaves no doubt about what you want and makes you seem confident—people are more likely to do things for people who appear certain about what they are asking.
A know-it-all is running his mouth. Say calmly, “How do you know that to be true?” and/or “What facts do you have to support your position?” If the know-it-all responds that he just feels it to be true or that “it’s obvious,” reply that “you are welcome to believe whatever you want, but if you expect me to believe it, you’re going to need to produce facts to support what you say.”
Someone asks about your income, your politics, your sex life or some other inappropriate subject. Say, “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” and then immediately take the conversation in a different direction before an awkward silence ensues. Saying, “I’m not comfortable…” is better than saying, “That’s inappropriate,” because it contains no accusation. Rather than taking someone to task for a social faux pas, you are merely saying that your personal preference is to keep this private.
Someone criticizes something about you or your work in front of a group. Say, “Why are you saying that?” or “Help me to understand what you mean by inadequate/wrong/incomplete…” You are requesting details about what this person thinks you got wrong. When you do this, do your best to make your tone and body language inquisitive, not defensive—don’t cross your arms or raise your voice. Maybe this person is right and the criticism is deserved—if so, hearing the details will help you improve. Or maybe this person is wrong and/or intentionally trying to make you look bad in front of a group or a boss—if so, asking for details often will make this obvious. Whether the criticism is valid or not, asking for details sends the message that you are not defensive and that you are confident about your work.
Someone interrupts you. Say, “Hold that thought…” and then continue with what you were saying. This acknowledges the person who wants to speak but leaves no doubt that you are not done speaking and have no intention of yielding until you are. You might have to raise your volume slightly and speak over the interrupter for a few seconds until he realizes you’re not yielding.
Helpful: If the same person interrupts you frequently, pick a private moment to say, “You have useful things to say, but when I get cut off, I lose my train of thought. I’d appreciate it if you would let me get through what I’m saying before jumping in.”
Someone accuses you of treating him rudely or unfairly—and he has a point. Say, “You know what, you’re right. It won’t happen again.” It’s natural to become defensive in these situations, but even if you come up with a way to justify your misstep or misstatement, doing so will only escalate the awkward situation and damage the relationship. Admitting an error almost always dials down the tension—and despite what many people think, admitting mistakes shows strength, not weakness.
Someone pays you a compliment. Say, “Thank you,” or “Thank you. I appreciate your comments.” Receiving praise is an awkward situation for some people. They become embarrassed and feel an urge to downplay or deflect the positive things that are being said about them. Ignore this urge. Instead look the person in the eye, express sincere gratitude for the compliment and then stop talking before you spoil the moment.
