How to stop feeling so angry…

Here are a few questions worth asking yourself…

  1. Do you often snap at people and later regret it…or continue to stew after a disagreement has passed?
  2. Do friends or loved ones ever call you a hothead?
  3. Does the intensity of your anger sometimes escalate from 0 to 10 in a matter of seconds?

If any of these situations ring true, then you may be experiencing destructive anger. And it’s hurting you!

HEALTHY OR HARMFUL?

Like all emotions, anger can express itself in good or bad ways. Healthy anger motivates us to make important changes in our lives…challenges us to overcome unfairness and social injustices…and is a signal to look inward to identify our core desires, needs and values.

Destructive anger is another story. Whether you quietly simmer with rage or erupt at even slight provocations, destructive anger has been shown to increase one’s risk for health problems such as high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, digestive ailments and depression.

The unfortunate truth: Far too many people assume that they can simply turn off their anger like a spigot. But it doesn’t work that way.

THE TOOL THAT WORKS

If you want to reduce your anger, the first step is to realize that out-of-proportion or out-of-control anger stems from a chain of internal experiences and is almost always not just a reaction to whatever has set you off.

For example, you might experience intense anger when someone cuts in front of you in the checkout line, but this triggering event may evoke past anger as well.

To better understand your anger, it helps to complete an anger log, identifying the interplay of your thoughts, feelings and body sensations that occurred before and during your episodes of anger. By doing this, you’ll start to see patterns and can interrupt the cycle.

Ideally, you will complete a log  entry every time you get angry—but you should wait at least an hour or two so you’re calm enough to recognize all of the important elements.

Key aspects to write down…

Motivating forces. People experience anger when they’re feeling threatened or when a need—for safety, for respect or to feel important, for example—isn’t being met.

Let’s say that you shouted an obscenity while arguing with your spouse. Maybe he/she had scolded you for something you did—but did it really warrant that level of verbal retaliation? You might realize that the motivation behind the anger was your (unmet) need for love and connection and respect.

Expectations. We get angry when things run counter to our expectations. In the example above, one expectation might be, “We’re a couple, so we should care about each other’s feelings.” But your conflict is putting that basic expectation into doubt.

Triggering event. Sometimes it’s obvious what makes you angry—the car that cuts in front of you…a negative job review…or a curt reply from a store clerk. But sometimes it’s less clear—for example, the triggering event could be something that you anticipate will happen. You might, for example, become angry because you anticipate not getting a job for which you interviewed.

Body reactions. Anger evolves in the body. Identifying a pounding heart, sweating palms and other such reactions will help you become more alert to anger in its initial stage.

GIVE IT TIME

You may be surprised by the range of feelings that accompany a “simple” episode of anger.

Example: A client sought my help because of conflicts with her teenage daughter. When she first completed her anger log, she wrote that the motivating factor was “to be respected.” Her main expectation was that “she should listen to me.”

But the more my client thought about it, the more she realized that the real motivating factor was her desire for closeness and a meaningful relationship with her daughter. She also had the expectation that “our closeness will never change.”

Emotional discoveries don’t happen all at once. Keeping a log will help you understand the trajectory of your anger—and become much more skillful at altering its course. You’ll know you’re making progress when there’s a decrease in the intensity, duration and/or frequency of anger episodes.

For additional help: Consult The National Anger Management Association, NAMAss.org, for a referral to a therapist.

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